By birth, we need only your parents... and only through this unconditional necessity, acceptance, and love, just because we were born – we're safe, cozy and warm in this world, with parents and with everyone with whom we enter into a relationship for life. But when we don't need when we are a burden to their parents and are only the source of their suffering, the only thing we can do is drown in the whirlpool of shame, guilt and corrupting the soul of loneliness. To make the intensity of these experiences, not always a virtue even for an adult, and in the soul of the child, they can forever leave a deep mark that has revealed itself in the shadows of hypersensitivity and vulnerability even where a warm wind is blowing. So, is it possible to find peace, when inside we feel crippled, woven from fragments of unrelated circumstances? Who are we really? And finally, where originate the origins of our benefactors?
"the work of the mind in childhood to lie on his soul too deep the scars –they often do not grow all my life"
Help to survive.
Such people in childhood, often heard in his address "I wish you were born boys, they are more confused", "extra family", "burden", "ruined my career...", "don't yell, otherwise pass in the school!" etc. They feel superfluous. The situation of these children in the house like worn shoes that are gathering dust in the closet or in the hallway and an eyesore. They are hesitant to throw away, maybe useful in the garden to work, for example.
Very soon these children learn that can't just exist. Need something to pay... Hope that they will accept and love prompts them to be "excellent honors" in school, "invisible" home and/or away. So to justify their existence in this world, they work hard, tired of not knowing. And unwittingly, they turn into Cinderellas, shouldering all the household chores. To be needed – it becomes their only meaning-making motive of justifying their existence in this world.
Often such children grow up to be very alarming, with a high sense of responsibility for everyone and everything. Trying to be helpful. They are going to work in a charity, become psychologists, doctors, teachers, orphanages, guided only by the fact that "I need". And when they themselves become parents, then smother with your love and hyperopic their children, spouses, partners. They are very deeply hurt when people don't accept their help, which, in principle, not asked. "How so?! And I wanted to be cared about, loved, helped...". Experiencing anger and irritation. For example, often the situation when the daughter becomes an ardent enemy of his mother-in-law. And not because "everything she is doing wrong", and in most cases, because it occupies, robs mother-in-law the opportunity to be meaningful, important, and caring. The "war" with the daughter-in-law mother-in-law defends not only its importance, perhaps, she defends their right to exist.
There are other forms of the motif embodied in our missionary role. It is best expressed in the phrase: "If I don't need(a), then why am I here?...".
"If I don't need you then why am I here? ...".
"I went to preparatory group of kindergarten. The teachers I had the reputation of being a very independent child. They were very easy with me. I was a helper for them! Once, in one weekend, children from nursery, located on 3-mataje, spustilsya 1-floor. I was very fond of kids. Especially help them to dress, put toys, make the beds... But at a certain point, it so happened that dressing inappropriately was anywhere to sorvatsya too and the beds were all made. In other words, my help no needed. It was nevynosimo this state to be. I thought I am invisible and nobody sees me. I felt an unbearable emptiness, and does not know where to go. I definitely wanted at any price to regain his place in the children's group and for this I approached one girl and asked to play a game where I rolled her shoulders. At my suggestion she responded with joy and when I put her on the shoulder, then immediately dropped out. It was well thought out my plan. She screamed in pain and burst into tears, and I immediately rushed to comfort her – stroking her head, cradled like a baby...Slowly she calmed down, and I, meanwhile, was experiencing the greatest pleasure from this process. I so needed it in this difficult time!".
(from therapeutic conversations).
the Only motive that dictated the behavior of this girl is to create a situation where he will need her help to find their place in the same children's group, to feel needed, to have the right to exist... or just what else to Express themselves did not know how. This happens when a child is noticed only when it does something useful. For example, the mother around the house, or helping younger siblings (dressing, homework, etc.). Deserving the praise of parents, they feel the happiest "I see, then I exist... so I noticed, need help...". So, growing up, these children their whole lives trying to be noticed. And often become leaders of volunteer movements, or rescuers in the literal and figurative meaning.
"...not to feel guilty."
In the practice met cases when mastered the profession of guilt. This is more peculiar to the children of parents who in their youth were Octobrists, the Komsomol, or always wanted to become them.
(from therapeutic conversations).
"...When something really needed help, so I decided that when I grow up I will help!"
these phrases have already become classic among doctors and psychologists. Here we are talking about acting out his childhood trauma. Children are often accustomed to that somewhere close by is adult that is always ready to help. One day, faced with the extreme experience for themselves, they do not find next to an adult. The reason for this may be different, the absence of parents or their immaturity.
Why is it important to understand the motives of their "noble deeds"?
Because understanding their behavior, we can more consciously make choices. It helps to assign responsibility for their actions and, thus, not to fall into the sacrificial position. You are so good, caught up, to cause the help and you even said thank you, and in the worst case, I have made you to blame! Save your resources!
Awareness of their motivation, behavioral positions allows you to hear yourself, your desires, aspirations, their own vulnerabilities. And to extract something positive from their experience.
"Today, looking back, I realize that the experiences taught me a lot. First of all, it gave me a deep humanity and sensitivity to human suffering".
(from personal experience).
the Past will not erase, it will not rewrite. And each of us has a story. It is unique in nature and, though it is not always written by us, I'm sure in our ability to write it.
our perception of the world are often unconscious motives, needs and desires that are not always obvious to us. They largely determine our choices we make, the goals we set for ourselves, as well as the roles that we try. All this sets the direction of our life and determines our destiny.
So let us not remain a product of its past, and will become the Creator of your future!
And why help you?