there Are situations when the person is aware of themselves unexamined psychological problems, trying different solutions, but nothing brings liberation. And someone is enough of a group therapy to close the question. Let's understand why this happens.

the Story of practice

a Few months ago a colleague and I conducted a seminar. In the process touched on the subject of relations with parents, and one of the participants told the following story.

she had a pretty heavy relationship with my mother as a child: nothing serious, but they did not let her go. The girl wrote down their feelings on paper, went to training and placement. Zero sense, the offense never took place. Then she decided to Express directly to the mother. And this method helped her children's resentment fell, but the relationship with her mother, which of course, deteriorated.

And she told this story as a commentary on the technique, which we gave to relieve emotional tension in the case where a direct presentation of their feelings impossible or undesirable. She commented on his story with the following statement: "I tried a lot of things, but I nothing helped until I..." And followed the story.

it is Worth noting that this girl was not burdened with a family and lived with her mother. Some other factors that keeps it from productive processing of childhood experiences, it was not. But in her mind there was a strict order to return mother the pain she received from her childhood.

the seminar was attended by another woman. The mother of three children, one of them was three. "Complete" husband and living with his parents in the same housing. The situation is, frankly, not conducive to any serious changes. A lot of factors that would not allow her to be active.

She told about the difficult relationship with her mother in law, which has experienced a number of negative emotions, but they can not be shown.

several weeks Passed, and in the psychological centre I met the right woman. To say I was surprised is to say nothing. If the workshop she gave the impression of a man on the brink (you know, in a very depressive mood), now before me appeared a smiling, cheerful woman, full of strength and energy.

She came up to me and thanked. Said that began to apply those techniques, which we gave at the seminar and felt the changes began to attend the psychodynamic group. Her life began to happen real change. And this was her first experience of work.

Why you did not help?

How is it that one didn't work, and the other from the first attempt begins to actively change their reality?

this is For two reasons.

first, is an emotional state. If the girl didn't work, was in quite comfortable conditions, the second woman — frankly, in a state of despair. In this state, we are often willing to grasp at straws and believe in any offered option. She had no other choice but to use the proposed technology in full.

secondly, it is the installation. the girl was clearly demonstrated installation on the return of the mother's feedback about his childhood, and in a negative way. Her root problem was in focusing on the past, not the present. To change something may be the only one who really wants it. It was not satisfied with the past, whereas the woman was not happy with her present.

So as not to bring themselves to the point where you are willing to grasp any straw, the first thing to revise their installation. To pay more attention to your reality and to remember that excessive focus on the past will not allow you to adopt some new behaviors.

How to process feelings when they can not Express openly?

In conclusion, I want to give you one of the ways of processing of the senses, which we did at the workshop. It's pretty simple — everybody can apply it yourself.

so, algorithm of actions:

1. You need to take a blank sheet of paper of any convenient size.

2. In the upper left corner, write the date in the upper right corner — time to start.

3. Written under the date and time draw the line from edge to edge of a sheet of paper.

4. Under the dash, start writing everything you feel about a person or situation. Write absolutely everything that comes to mind, do not hesitate of expressions, no one will see and not read.

In situations where feelings and emotions are very strong and difficult to put into words, you can just let go "free floating". Let her under the influence of this feeling in you moving freely, let it go just a Doodle, wobbly lines and all that only applies on paper.

Write forcefully, with force, if this is the pulse of your condition. Were in my practice cases when people wrote with such force that it tore the paper. And this is perfectly normal. Don't limit yourself.

5. Write until until I feel that I wrote absolutely everything and anything more is not. Just leave the bottom a small space.

6. Now that you've finished writing down sheet once again draw the line from edge to edge.

7. Under this feature, at the bottom of the sheet, write the date on the left and the right — end time.

8. Then delete the sheet any way you want: tear, burn, etc.

This technique will help you Express your feelings in a constructive way and to avoid two extremes: bringing yourself to the brink of destruction and relationship with the person who has caused you these emotions.

the Article written for the publication "Psychology for effective living". Original: https://psy.systems/post/nichego-ne-pomogaet-chto-delat-kogda-problema-ne-uxodit