I Want to propose a situation of "educational process", a witness and participant of which I visited several times myself, and in all of the following forms))))
so, the situation.
teenage Girl in the kitchen makes his first steps in cooking a new dish. Hanging around the grandmother, the good intention trying to help: something has to give, I will tell how, and how not, in General, all at business. At some point, the girl asked the grandmother not to disturb her and what she wants to do everything herself. Grandmother for some time departs, but seeing that something goes wrong in its view (it may be spilled milk, not the proportions, something burnt or nedorazvitia), one word "disorder", again is being promoted in the process.
this time the girl abruptly says:
- BA, well I told you not to disturb me!
- Well, I'm just help - meets grandmother.
In the kitchen, a squabble in a raised voice.
On the noise uses a third party, call it the Benefactor. It can be anyone - mom, dad, another relative, neighbor, etc., and says:
-How do you talk to your grandmother! She wants to help you, you ungrateful, and generally behave aggressively! So it is impossible! Immediately apologize!
Girl throws all of what he did and walks away in tears from the kitchen, and she was in dogonku: "Well, who is now clean all this?" Curtain....
now, let's think, what is it about this seemingly mundane situation, what someone's motives and what consequences they may have for each participant.
At first glance, the motives of the Benefactor that is noble: to restore justice, to protect, to nurture respect for elders and how he thinks, to teach the child to learn to control their impulses.
And what's really going on?
the First thing he can get in gratitude for their intervention is aggression from both parties to the conflict. Yeah, I'm not mistaken, it is aggression.
this phenomenon I encountered when visiting the therapeutic group and on their own experience understood and seen how it works.
the fact that in every moment of our lives, we are coming in contact with another person, for the most part unconsciously, palpable its boundaries, thereby checking: where he's going to let us? what I can and cannot do in relationship with him. And so every conflict is a clash between two worlds: my world of Another. And at the moment of collision our body gives us energy so we could defend ourselves if necessary, and to designate for the other person's boundaries in relationship with us.
And now imagine that two people, in this case a grandmother and her granddaughter, solve their problems and both are trying to establish boundaries for each other. They received from your body's specific charge for this. And here intervenes a third. What do you think happens? All the energy of both people directed at him.
if at the grandmother and granddaughter have not lost touch with their feelings, they when such intervention will feel frustrated because they were interrupted and then the Benefactor will get the aggression out in the open form: it asks not to interfere and let them solve their problems on their own (that is, the Benefactor will be "sent to the garden").
Benefactor it's certainly not like it, because he was the best, as he thinks his intentions.
now, let's think about what kind of motivations, and can they be considered the best.
respect for elders is an important and necessary moment in the learning of children and the best thing to say here is your own example in relationships with their parents, This is a good topic for a separate article, here I want to explain why in this situation it is not and why.
In that moment, when the Benefactor decides to play the role of defender, he deprives another person ( in this case the grandmother) capabilities itself to defend itself in a relationship with her granddaughter. What do you think, will the grandmother after this the authority and respect among the girls? I assure you that there is. It's either going to be with grandma and will continue to do so in those situations, when "defenders" are not around. In another embodiment, if such situations are regular, it's easy to be intimidated and in the future it will grow adult, experiencing fear, panic, any conflict, do not listen to themselves and consider themselves guilty and inadequate everywhere.
So here the Benefactor is a "disservice" for grandmother and granddaughter.
And now, I propose to revert to our situation and try to lose it again.
That could be invited grandma? I think that this scene played out would do if the grandmother was able to trust and provide a kitchen at the disposal of the girls while she does not cook your dish.
Well, that being said, ideally, in life it is harder to do, so we go back to the place where my grandma came back and again started the process and got a sharp and indignant response.
first, it would be great if grandma could avoid the idea that it is not always the behavior right just because she's older. Secondly, that the aggressive reaction to girls is the answer to her unwillingness to reckon with the request of a granddaughter to independence. the
In my opinion, the best here would be to apologize to the girl for what she again intervened and only then say about your concern about the cleaning of the kitchen.
for Example, it could look like this: "I apologize that once again I intervened in your process. I worry that the kitchen is a mess. I can expect that you will clean when you're done?"
With such a scenario, both involved in the process of trying to negotiate and accommodate the wishes of each other : for girl is the ability to make a dish yourself and terminate all the process to the end, and for my grandmother - her desire to see a clean kitchen.
Well, a third option: if the conflict still continues, help is coming Benefactor.
In this case, the phrase grandmother: "Thank you, but I can stand up for themselves and we ourselves will solve our situation," adds her respect and she will show to her granddaughter that she's not attracted to his side the other, so they teamed up with her against girls.
In my opinion, such an approach will help build teen skills in defending their rights to autonomy, to their trial and error, the ability to follow through. He will get the experience of cooperation in conflict situations, the understanding of what he stands for, the ability to feel and understand that his feelings are genuine and have a reason. As well as the important skill of confrontation one-on-one, without drawing on the help of "rescue" and "benefactors".