Of powerlessness with love


I just had this dream. I'm floating in a boat on the river, the boat is small but strong. For a quick and a feeling of overall quality. And then I see a woman in the water. She is floundering and calling for help. And swim so close that can lend a hand, but can't seem to do it. Edge of consciousness I realize she's calling me, but I remain motionless. Still not only the body, it seems that my mind is too frozen, just watching…

 I went to the doctor — help the profession in which you could realize your need to save. Of course, as I later found out as a result of personal therapy, the need was not to save, but to save. To save from death. Who, exactly, I had to save, I never managed to fully understand, it may not be the most important, because I still have not been able to do it.

 Many years have passed, I studied to be a psychologist and a lot has changed, my relationship with the rescue too. I became more careful and circumspect. It seems to be… But now it's apparently time to check it out.

 the Client. Young, healthy physically. Waiting for reinforcements from the therapist. Fifth session, the relationship is more formal, not strong, a lot of fear that is displaced. Trying to be careful, but all the past. It's probably familiar: the feeling that whatever you did, whatever may be said — with all the client worse. Stress and anger as if not letting me do my job: I feel like I float by my client and not giving him hands.

Go to the supervisor to cope with the flood of feelings. Thanks to the attention and support, it becomes possible to look beyond the irritation and tension. Come to what is the way to escape from the more awful experiences — impotence. No! Not only impotence! It's awful. I fell in vospominaniya.

 Remember as a teenager not sleep all night when my cat was dying. The cat died, but I have long suffered the blame, I thought about what I could do to save. This fantasy me again and again led away from the reality in which the cat was no longer to history, in which I make more effort and he remains alive. So, leaving the cat alive again and again, I resisted what happened.

I had no one to support at that moment, to hug and wipe away my tears. To say what words, it doesn't matter - what. Most importantly — to look into the eyes, become a reality that I really can't do anything in which I, no matter how much I try, I can not conquer death.

 So, through the snot and tears such cases, I first opened the meaning of the words “I'm sorry, but there's nothing I can do about it”. Not formal, but real, which I never believed (“you just do not really want”, “you're just not a very important” and so on).

I believed them. And that simply can not. And I calmed down. Strange as it was for me, I felt relieved. And, more unexpectedly — the heart-wrenching sadness, warm, very important to me. Like love.

 At the next session the client reported about his impotence, and he told me for the first time spoke about his. We begin to see each other opened the floodgates of experiences and opportunities to cope with them.

 And here I am in the same boat. But not just float by in confusion. I will support the client by believing that he could handle it. And, if you decide to stop for a while, you will be able to build a boat or raft to sail on. Maybe he will decide to sit on the beach. I'll be there. As needed.

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