I feel bad when he is busy with his passion…
I can't live a normal life when he's mad…
I need to know exactly what he is not offended at me…
When he would text me in the morning, I spent the day in a good mood…
why hasn't he called? Because I'm so bad…
Often in my work I faced with such statements of customers. A lot of them. They are like this. What unites them is the bottom line: my well-being depends on the actions, moods, status of another person.
Here's the important thing – about the responsibility. Saying this, we automatically “thrown” responsibility for their lives and fortune in the hands of another person. And this responsibility is like a hot potato sooner or later burn your hands of who holds it.
of the following statements implies the following: if a person will get involved in a hobby-he's hurting me. If he will feel not that I want – hurt me. If he's not doing what I expect – hurt me…
Let's imagine how can look like a relationship is two circles that overlap one another, come by the borders at each other.
Each of the circles represents the partner in the relationship. Everyone has their boundaries. If you draw these circles, their boundaries are quite visible in real life so is not always.
Borders define the territory of psychological identity, something that separates us from the outside world and other people.
be Aware of your boundaries – it is to realize himself as an individual, independently from other
It is the understanding that individually form the basis of our personality. In simple words, the boundaries tell us where we are and where we are, what we can and can't choose what we feel and feel what we like and don't like what's important and what is secondary.
I mean, personal boundaries define who we are and what we are and are not.
When the boundaries of two figures overlap each other, they seem to “merge” and do not become completely Autonomous. This merger is happening with the people in their relationship that results in emotional dependence. Indeed, in the place where the figures “go to the territory of each other”, a violation of boundaries that leads to misunderstanding where I am, where's the other people.
from the above examples, it's easy to notice that often one of the partners is in suspense, and as if trying to catch the “wave” another. Expect a call, message, token. If nothing happens, then in the course are negative thoughts, often called ‘wrap yourself”. Why? Because of the relationship developed in such a way that man thinks himself separate from the other, what emotional well-being is possible only in “hitch” with a partner and directly depends on it.
If you recognize yourself, then you will probably want to ask, what to do with all this?
the Issue is quite complex and is not solved in one hour. Here have a lot of work with themselves, their values, needs.
I'll describe how it work and what is important to understand about themselves, to define their own boundaries and to take finally responsibility for their lives into their own hands, to become emotionally separate identity and make contact with the other person healthy. Perhaps it will not be easy, but believe me, it's worth it.
not to confuse the reader a lot of information, I will give it for parts. Therefore, read the continuation of this theme in my next article “the Search for self reliance”.