"What do you think about threesomes?" – asked me this question, I thought.

From the perspective of "morality" I refer to this neutral. It is a sexual experience which has a right to be. From the perspective of psychology I see the cause and effect of this experience.

Part 1. Reasons.

in addition to curiosity and desire to experiment, I see more and some psychological needs that can cause a burning desire to try, obsessive fantasy or compulsive desire to repeat the practice.

Which can give you a Threesome? What needs can speak to this desire?

  • the Opportunity to get more bodily contact. E. the person may be a hunger for physical contact, cuddling, stroking, tight girth of the body. Inability to get a lot of physical contact with the "legal" way of man may fantasize about a sexual experience.
  • the Opportunity to get more sexual stimulation. the Long absence of sex and then "I want a lot of sex" transformirovalsya in the "want to have sex with many partners". Or sexual dissatisfaction in the relationship (perhaps even unconscious) – then the "want good quality sex, want sexual satisfaction" again transformirovalsya in the "I want a lot of partners" (the attempt to replace quality with quantity).
  • the Opportunity to get more attention. Indeed, high domestic demand for attention can lead to such a request. The need for warmth in a large amount of warmth can help us to transform into a desire, where warmth sure to fail. It is also about the need to confirm their sexuality, their attractiveness, their value.
  • the Opportunity to give more people "happy", confirm your "moguchest" ("And I of two is satisfied(a) I(a)!"). This is again confirmation of its value, about the opportunity to "earn" love – more love.
  • the Opportunity to be different, to try different. It's about the existence of different mental parts that for whatever reason cannot legally be in the world. Perhaps about some of mental fragmentation, resplendent and attempt to integrate split off in this way.
  • legally Able to try a contact with a person of your gender. It's about finding your gender identity and about contact with the parent of their sex.
  • the Opportunity to look at the other "spy". It may be stuck in childhood, when it was curious to look at the genitals and physiological processes of other people or to look into the parents ' bedroom. It can also be the playback of injury if a child accidentally has been seen (heard, felt energetically) sex adult. It can also be about the trauma of rejection and the trauma of violence.
  • the Opportunity to show themselves. This is again about value. Can also be about the confirmation of their adulthood before the parent figure and defend their right to sexuality ("Look mom/dad, I have sex"). It can also be competition with the parent figure from the age of 3-6 years, when I wanted to marry the mother or to marry dad ("look, dad, I still fuck mom, she's mine", and Vice versa, "look, mom, I won you dad" and even more Vice versa, "look, daddy, I slept with my mother/look mom, I slept with dad"). Or it could be competition for parent's with one's sibling (brother/sister). It can also be the consequence of trauma sexual abuse or violence in childhood (or childhood).
  • the Opportunity to compete or jealous. Almost the same as the previous item. Wounded about value and about the competition for parent of the other parent, or one's sibling. Or about the trauma of abuse/use.
  • the Possibility of contact with the two. And hence the impossibility of contact with one. It's about the inability to be in deep contact with one person and the attempt to escape from a deep contact through invitation by a third.
  • Achivka "I had a Threesome". It's about your value, about asserting their adulthood and the right to sexuality, about the attempt to connect with his shadow side ("I'm not such a good girl, I'm a dirty girl"), about trying to fit in to a certain company and earn status.
  • If your partner voices a desire to have a Threesome, then it might not always be about sex and about the above needs. This may be an attempt to test the limits. Attempt to Express aggression, to hurt, to humiliate, to avenge something (unconsciously, most likely). Attempt to establish its authority. Etc.

If your partner has voiced their desire for a Threesome, and you have the thought I feel sick at heart, that, probably, the partner helps you to see that you have some kind of pain in the subject of their values, their sexuality and their boundaries. Do not hurry to organize a Threesome. Better to go to a psychologist and heal the pain and wounds in these topics.

Then something changed: either field relations will change, and the partner himself will give up the idea of such experiments, or you finish the relationship and each will choose a more suitable partner, or do you think it will cease to be painful and will turn into a sexual experiment.

Part 2. Investigation.

Consider a few cases.

1. It's three people (any gender composition), none of which is in a romantic relationship with anyone, and everyone just wants to experiment and explore this form of sexuality, just a single experiment.

pleasant consequences: to try, make sure nothing is fantastic in this and then live in peace in marriage, tormented by regret "Oh, and three I have not tried(a)" or conscience "o horror, I have fantasies about someone other than the spouse(and)".

  • the same effect as that of sex – pregnancy, STDs, etc.
  • if you had a friendly relationship with someone of the participants, they can break.
  • like it and want more, but if it will disturb, it is possible to address to the psychologist.
  • (most serious) scrapped ideas about themselves ("it turns out I'm not good, and dirty") or reproduction of the trauma of violence, injury, rejection, or other injuries.

2. This is a couple and the invited participant (participant), while all parties agree and enjoy.

From the "pleasant" effects: this can be a sustainable design, "family" can persist for a long time; everyone gets a surrogate meet the needs that were described above.


  • the real satisfaction is not happening and might be tempted to increase the dose surrogate or replace it with a more "powerful", it is not development and healing, but there is an aggravation.
  • can be played trauma of violence or rejection, and the regular retraumatization leads to depletion and degradation.
  • relationship Threesome – a relationship using; a couple uses invited as a "crutch" as "patch", invited not moving forward, not create their own relationship; invited a few uses for acting out their problems or injury.

3. This is a pair, one partner wants a Threesome, and the other won't, feels fear, pain, jealousy, etc. (even if you simultaneously experience the interest and desire, too).

With favorable developments the situation will move to case 2 with its pros and cons.

Under adverse possible options:

  • the one who wanted and initiated this experience, you will understand that actually he wanted this fantasy and reality are very different; you may feel shock and disappointment; can experience the collapse of ideas about yourself; you may not be able to continue the relationship.
  • the one who doubted, will feel severe pain, rejection, jealousy; live own scrapping – agreeing to something contrary to their principles, allowed themselves to "crush" your partner; you may not be able to continue the relationship.
  • playback of the trauma of violence, of rejection.
  • one of a pair can fall in love with the third.

ie. under the threat of psychic integrity of each of the pairs and relations as such.

In this situation, I recommend first to consult a psychologist to find out whether you can establish a relationship as a couple without going through a third.

Other publications on this topic:

< / a>the Factors of loyalty and disloyalty.a Love triangle. And Why.


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Ivanova Elena
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