DIVORCE AND CHILDREN
People meet, people fall in love, get married. And… to divorce.
Yes, divorces have become commonplace today. According to statistics, in Russia breaks up about 50% of the families. And, as a rule, families with experience of 5-9 years. That is such where there are children.
how they feel
divorce, on the scale of stress is on the second place after the loss of a loved one. And even if the couple break up “civilized” and mutual desire, this process traumatic for them.
What can we say about the baby? For him it is - the collapse of the familiar world, the disaster with which he cannot cope with a child's mind. Faced with the reality that he does not say that can not explain, the child begins to endow all of its own meaning, and the main role here can play the guilt, fears, fantasies.
of Course, children of different ages react to what is happening in different ways. In 3-7 years, they often take the blame for the divorce. While still not able to understand the real causes of separation of parents, kids “assign” guilty: “Dad left because I'm a bad…” “Mom left because I didn't listen…» the Result – fears, tantrums, aggression or other extreme – isolation and tearfulness.
Children aged 9-12 years fall into the other extreme – begin to feel a lot of anger at the departed parent, resentment for the rest (especially if he rushes to arrange his personal life), they have a feeling of uselessness.
Teenagers are usually greeted news of the divorce pronounced by the protest, especially if the family was prosperous or seemed so. Boys categorically blame mom that dad was gone, or, on the contrary, trample on the authority of the father and side with the mother. Adolescent girls experiencing the divorce of parents more restrained, but no less strongly.
we Must remember that the consequences of traumatic experiences of children of divorce parents can be very serious – from behavioral disorders to emotional problems, and psychosomatic medicine. This loss of confidence and insecurity, decline in intellectual abilities. Children start to study is worse, become scattered and disorganized. Often long exposure to stress causes of eczema, gastritis, compulsive movements, stuttering. It happens that wounds received by boys and girls when parents remain with them for life. In the future, the survivors of the stress children may experience difficulties in building relationships, creating families of their own.
So parents, as hard as it may be, should not dwell on our own traumatic experiences, and even more do not have to use their own children as a tool against his former partner. Moms and dads should remember that there is a little man, who suffered no less than they, waiting for help from them.
Emotions under control
Let us remember what in any case can not be done parents divorce, if they do not want to cause their children irreparable harm for the rest of your life:
- to sort things Out in the presence of a child, use offensive and humiliating expressions to exaggerate the details of the divorce, division of property. Cry, throw tantrums.
- Drastically change the order of life and family life.
- to Manipulate the child in a relationship with a former significant other, use it as a “pigeon” (“Tell my father…/Tell mother…”), to limit communication with the other parent.
- to tell the child to its similarity with the former husband (wife) if he did something bad.
- Create in the child a sense that a catastrophe in the family in some way connected with him, his behavior or attitude of the parents.
- to Devalue in the eyes of a child the other parent and to idealize themselves.
- Convince the son/daughter that only the other parent is fully responsible for the divorce.
Remember: whatever the relationship between separated parents, the child should not suffer!
another important tip: to cope with the problems of the child experiencing the divorce of parents, will help the psychologist. Such assistance is particularly important at the initial stage when it is still possible to mitigate the perception of small person of the traumatic situation and avoid serious consequences that might complicate the rest of his life.