— is it worth it to save the marriage for the children?

To find out the answer to this question, we need to look what is behind him. And looking, we can see that marriage is not for children, but for yourself, the children in this case rather act as a cover, unfortunately.

And if it is, then, most likely, you do not have enough resources and power to find another way. To test this, try to continue: "I'm saving marriage for kids because...".

Often say the following:

  • "I think children will be better"
  • "I am afraid that can not cope alone"
  • "I'm afraid I will not be able to provide the child with everything needed,"
  • "I have nothing I have nowhere to go"
  • "I'm not used to(La) to deal with everything himself(a)"
  • "fear that I will not forgive when you grow up"
  • "it is impossible to divorce in my family that is not customary (afraid of the reaction of relatives)"
  • "I(a) ROS(La) in a single-parent family , I want that in my kids she was (afraid that my children will face what I as a child). 

And if you look closely, almost all the answers will be about you — about your thoughts (assumptions that can not be confirmed), about your feelings (fears, anger, resentment, etc.), about your doubts in himself, attitudes and beliefs. That is, by and large, it turns out that you remain in the relationship for yourself.

And if you are able to admit it, has become a little easier. And if you are brave enough to be honest with you, I suggest you answer the following questions. To help you learn more about yourself, your relationship and take a more informed decision:

  • leave everything as it is, to stay in the relationship because you are not willing to change something;
  • stay in relationships and try to improve, enrich, change;
  • stay in relationships and work on their fears and their
  • (start/change jobs, start a hobby, passion to work with a psychologist);
  • to leave the relationship without unnecessary casualties, trying to save themselves, children, and relations with the parent of your children. 

Try to answer these questions in writing, that, firstly, more effective practice, and secondly, it will be useful, so you can go back and re-read written on the following day (helps you notice the nuances, a more sober assessment is written).

1. Now you value is important (what inspires you, gives you support, helps to be there) in your relationship with husband/partner? How do you feel with your husband/partner now?

2. Before (in the beginning) was valuable, it is important that bonded your marriage/Union/relationship? How did you feel then?

3. If your relationship was two or three things from paragraph 2, would you like to save the relationship? How would you feel?

4. What you don't like/bothers/is lacking in your relationship now? Are you willing to work to change that? Have you talked about this with your partner (calmly, without fighting, without requiring threats and blackmail)?

5. Do you the difference in roles "husband/partner" and "the father" ("wife" and "mother"?

6. What is valuable, important in the relations of each with your child's father/mother? How each child behaves, interacts, talks, perceives/feels when the father/mother is near and in his/her absence? 

7. What will happen if you stay in this relationship, with you, with others, with each of the children, with your relationships? What impact could this have on the children, on you, on the other, in your relationship?

8. What happens if you leave the relationship, be alone/single with child? Who/what can you rely? What do you imagine your life? What challenges might face? What is the most difficult, scary? How you can deal with that, who/what can you do to help?

9. If your loved one (son, daughter) were in a similar situation, what would you have advised him how and what could help? Could you have someone from your entourage to ask about it?

And whatever your decision, it is important to remember the following:

  • the Decision to take you and your partner/spouse, you should not shift it upon the shoulders of parents, relatives, and especially children. Is your marriage/Union and your relationship, no one knows how better it will be for your family. 
  • Husband/partner and father/mother is a different role, and in their confusion often conflicts arise due to which everyone suffers, especially the children, as they are subject to blackmail, manipulation, and revenge. The child is often unconscious is the glue for the relationships, using a variety of means (disease, moods, asocial behavior, drugs, leaving home, threats or suicide attempts).
  • You have the right to be happy, if you leave the relationship, you cease to be spouses/partners, but this does not mean that you deprive the child of the parent. You have the power to agree on the presence of the other parent (if desired) in a child's life. "Good husband/wife" not equal "good father/mother". And Vice versa "bad partner/spouse" does not equal "bad father/mother." 
  • You can't change another, you are not responsible for what he is partner/spouse, father/mother, but you can change yourself, to work with their constraints and experiences. If you learn to take care of themselves, become stronger, happier, then you will be more likely to help their children to become the same.
  • You have the right to stay in relationships and not to change anything if you don't have now the resources and effort. You are not to blame if your relationship is not the way you wanted. While you are responsible for the lives and health of their own and their children, both physical and psychological/emotional. And if your health or the health of your children is threatened, and especially if this happens regularly, you have the right to seek and receive assistance.

I wish you to cherish and appreciate yourself, your relationships and your family to save their children is not for the sake of something or someone, and in the name of love!

Статья выложена в ознакомительных целях. Все права на текст принадлежат ресурсу и/или автору (B17 B17)

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