Psychology of relationships: how small irritants become major problems

let's Try to understand the psychology of relationships and understand how small irritants become major problems. Without a doubt, there are critical moments that affect relationships. Infidelity, aggression, violence and abuse. But it could be small misunderstandings that undermine love in the most unobtrusive way. Dirty socks on the floor. The way our partner chews loudly. Like the relentless drop of the leaky faucet, they destroy the location, which is the basis of all relationships. Before you know it, you will feel unloved, unheard and underappreciated, if not criticized and controlled. Intimacy is fading away.

However, irritation is inevitable.

it is Impossible to find another man, every quirk, habit and preferences which blends perfectly with yours. The fundamental problem, according to new York psychiatrist John Jacobs, is "figuring out how to negotiate and live with the stimuli of your partner so that they are not alienated, and bound you." When marriages crumble, he adds, often the partners do not argue for a good reason, but because of minor differences in style.

we all Have our own values and views of the world, and we want different things from each other. Such differences derive from our genetically temperaments, belief systems and experiences learned in family of origin. Diane explains Solly, family therapist and founder of SmartMarriages. "We think, "My father knew how to put the toilet seat down, so why can't you?" Or "My father never put the toilet seat, so I'm not going to." Whatever the source, these patterns are deeply ingrained, they are difficult to dislodge.

Sometimes a sock on the floor is just a sock on the floor.

But such small stimuli can cause big problems, especially in long-term relationships. Like ice cubes grow together and form an iceberg. Think of these disorders as distinct particles: you hate the way your partner puts his feet on the furniture or exaggerates. These moments can lead you to the gap, but they are harmless.

Small problems coalesce into a powerful force when you take in your mind to a different value. When you consider it as a character flaw or moral defect. Are you annoyed that your loved ones do not like to share food from their plates. And that he or she hates to plan ahead. And when you try to share important news, she is excited and interrupts you to talk about something else. When you collect puzzle, there is a portrait of your partner is selfish and absorbed in himself, who always puts their own needs above yours.

"In fact, you do not live with loved ones in your home. You live with it in my head," explains van EPP. Gradually you begin to look for evidence that it is absorbed by only himself - and, of course, find them. Your perception changes with time: ideal with which you started Dating, it becomes, well, less than perfect.

But if you want to stay in the relationship, something needs to change. Apparently, myself.

Every irritation is a two way street. Partners focus on what they get, not on what you give. But no matter how upsetting the behavior of the middle, your interpretation is a big part of it. It is important that you give him.

the Ability to eliminate negative relationships lies within each of us. We can sabotage or not. It all depends on how we interpret the problem.

1: "This is intentional"

Diane Solly recalls how she grew up with a father who snored so loud that the sound was heard in the street. "When I asked mom how she stood it, she said: "When I hear him snoring, I know he's home safe, alive and healthy."

This is the reaction of the host, not the strength of the pathogen. The problem is not the snoring, but the value you give it. We take every irritant personally. Apply to all actions, intentional or accidental, conscious or not, personal neglect, a small sign that the other doesn't care about us or we are not his priority. When we do not get what I want, I see this as a "you're not You love me." We think, "If you cared about me, I would cease to drive me crazy with his irritating habits."

unfortunately, much of the behavior is unconscious; we do a lot of things without thinking. "It would be ideal to focus on the reaction of the other person all the time," says psychologist Michael Cunningham of the University of Louisville. "But the fact is that people act automatically, out of habit or samofokusirovka, not taking into account the other person".

People suppress their irritating behaviors early in the Dating process but allow it to emerge over time. When you meet, you hypersensitive, in consequence you give yourself the right to relax.

the Unpleasant aspects of social allergens, as in the case of physical first cause a slight negative reaction, but each subsequent contact increases sensitivity. This is the reason that those who are in long term relationships can explode over seemingly tiny violations. The first wet towel left on the bathroom floor is mildly irritating; the hundredth can cause a storm of emotions.

If your partner has a habit that he or she does not know, but it infuriates you (open the door to the bathroom, crumbs in the butter dish, walking around the house in underwear) - take it with love. He may just not have occurred to you that it bothers you.

Bobkova Anna
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