She sat with downcast eyes and looking at his hands. Opinion expressed despair and fatigue. It seemed that every word she is difficult, and the voice became unnaturally quiet.
- What's going on? Was kind, affectionate, caring. Dust I was blown away! But 3 years have passed, and man as a substitute! Quarrels and scandals became routine. Although fighting is something we nothing. He may just start to turn white from anger if I don't turn the lights off when I go out for a couple of minutes from the room. And do you any bad habit which did not exist before, for example, coming home from work, he leaves the bag in the hallway; undressing is not take care to roll the socks in the washing machine or fold the pants. Anyway, the attitude has changed – more clinging to nothing, what-if...
- how would You describe the stage at which Your relationship now?
- And what do you mean "frustrating"?
' Well? – She brightened – That's obvious! When he first started to care – I felt like in a fairy tale. I these seemed our relationship. He is madly beautifully looked after, felt me perfectly. Even when we got married, flowers every week for no reason gave. On the weekends he prepared lunch. For the first time she looked straight into his eyes, hoping to get at least some answers – This is what happens? All this time he pretended to be? And I was wrong? Fell in love with and married one man and now you are living with others, strangers. Everything I valued in him was a farce. It turns out a disappointment. I'll never know what's going on. Do those relations have gone?
- Yes And no...
So I started my work with another client. The problem of "frustration in the relationship" I in practice have to face quite often. Growing tension, misunderstanding between spouses, feeling deceived.
However, such changes in behavior is a logical explanation. Just relationship moved to a new stage. And today I want to focus on this issue.
Every relationship (be it a relationship with a child, a spouse, a boss or a therapist), pass certain stages of development. Let's focus on the relationship between husband and wife.
These three stages can be described as: addiction, differentiation and separation. And the transition from one stage to another entails a change. About what is happening, let us examine more...
the couple in the first stage has the desire to "dissolve" in each other, in relationships. It is a measure of dependence (attachment) to the partner. And when talking about Mature relationships – this dependence is rather emotional. However, at a young age, she may even gain some features of the physical. So the first love of adolescents is a quite tangible physical suffering: "I can't live without him!" or the appetite appears only when the object of adoration is near (and it's the primary requirement!). To satisfy their need for intimacy, a person is ready even to sacrifice some of their desires and habits. It is important to be good in order not to be deprived of love. To some extent, both a little pretending, playing a role to seem a little better than it really is. And this is an appropriate response to the desire to maintain valuable relationship.
of Course, he had a careless attitude to things, but rarely tried to be attentive. Of course, she always left a light on, but he just didn't notice. That will not do for a loved one? After all, it's nothing.
But some time passed, and there was confidence that the relationship is stable and the partner is not going anywhere. Simply put – there is no more need to prove their necessity and to show its advantages. The second stage – differentiation. It is a period of rebellion and separation (i.e., differentiation) my/yours. Now it's time to assert their "right to territory". Start of a clash of beliefs and the struggle for the right to be a leader. To protect your interests and your comfort zone – become more important than to please. A very good example can be the behavior of a teenager, which tests the strength and love of its parents; defines the zone in which it is allowed to be independent, and can argue almost any occasion. This is his way to assert their rights.
But the desire to prove his innocence gradually subsides. Just lost the need to prove something. People become more self-sufficient and less dependent on each other. This is the stage of separation (or separation). Comes the stage of Mature relationship, when the decision to stay together is not dictated by the feeling of dependency or a desire to confirm their status, and it is a conscious choice to be together. In other words, they can completely do without each other, but decide to stay together, continue to improve and develop side by side.
At this stage small troubles or habits are perceived as characteristic of a partner, not a personal insult and a "slap in the soul." The main feature is the adoption of your spouse as he is. More freedom and understanding, the addiction disappears.
Moving from one stage to another, people are changing, relationships are changing. But in family relationships, everything is much more complex and interesting than in any other.
first, spouses may be at different stages. That is, one still needs to be close contact and support, and the other already enforces its own rules. In this situation there is a complete dissonance, because both do not understand what is happening and both get what you want. Only an understanding of the mechanism and process of the development of relations will help to see the situation as a whole (and not only from your terricone). This is one example.
second, the relationship with the child, supervisor, or therapist, everything is quite logical and consistent. Three stages in turn... But in the relations between spouses this cycle tends to repeat itself. That is, each of the crisis phases of the family all over again. Creates the family – passed 3 stages. The child was born – again, start with attachment and dependence to each other. In the house of the teenager – a new cycle. And so on...
unfortunately, emotions do not always allow to soberly assess the situation and understand the cause of this. Books, forums and articles on family relations, of course, carry a lot of information, but they describe the General cases of practice and theory. In addition, it is difficult to find the answer in the book when you don't know for sure what to look for. And then the can help the family psychologist or the psychotherapist.
the Main advantage of contacting a specialist is able to examine not abstract, but specifically to Your situation. To consider, to understand the true causes and find solutions in and out of the crisis.
don't lose faith in yourself and your life partner. Don't lose the value of relationships despite difficult periods. Don't forget: once You have made your choice in favor of this man, and that was the reason. Difficult times will pass and the crisis can be overcome. And the bonus in a new relationship. Happy, harmonious, joyful.