In the spectrum of human emotions, jealousy is one of the most difficult and unpleasant experiences. It's a cocktail of of anger, sadness, suspicion, envy and fear. In its most extreme jealousy can lead to serious violence or suicide. How often do we hear about "crimes of passion".
What is this is a painful condition and how you need to treat it?
Let's try to understand. The core of jealousy is fear of losing the relationship.there are two types of jealousy:
1. Pathological jealousy. Destructive forms of jealousy may be associated with low self-esteem and insecurity. Further exacerbated by the real or imagined threat of losing the object of his love. The form of expression of such feelings is controlling behavior, which only increases the distance between the partners. On the one hand: "I'm so afraid to lose you!", with other people doing everything possible to the relationship collapsed. The effect of self-fulfilling prophecy. Because being under that "hood" of control is unbearable. Accusations of betrayal, scandals, espionage is checking email, cracking passwords, phone numbers - this behavior always leads to unpleasant consequences. Jealousy makes people go crazy — insomnia, obsessive thoughts, irritability. There is another extreme form of expression of this kind of jealousy is when a person withdraws into himself and saves the offense, which is also destructive for relationships and for the jealous type. Frequently this suppression leads to depression. For the development of a healthy relationship it is important trust and intimacy.
2. Jealousy as an adaptive emotion, it is sometimes called "territorial reflex". The primary function of jealousy is to tell the person that "nearby there is a valuable object of my love and scared to lose him". In his work "Why jealousy is as necessary as love and sex," Professor of evolutionary psychology David bass writes that "jealousy evolved as an emotional alarm signal, warning the person about the potential infidelity of his partner and causing his behavioral responses designed to minimize the cost of reproductive investment." Our ancestors, continues the bass, paid for the infidelity partner different price. "For men sexy cheating women could result in the fact that he was forced to invest their parental resources in the child of the other men. For women emotional connection to her partner with another woman could lead to a reduction of paternal resources in her offspring." Bass said that he managed to find corresponding sex differences in "characteristics of a jealous psyche": men are more vulnerable to physical infidelity and women by emotional infidelity. Based on this, we can conclude that jealousy is a completely normal experience, which is common to all people.
it is Important to distinguish between "normal" jealousy of "delusional". In "normal" jealousy is the real threat to the relationship. In "delirious mode" jealousy persists despite the absence of a real or even probable threat.
the Good news is that jealousy is a perfectly healthy and normal emotion.
However, jealousy becomes a problem when it becomes a chronic condition and makes you do things that negatively affect You and Your relationship.
I think it is important to distinguish between jealousy as an experience (a certain emotional response to a situation) and jealousy as a response (what I do when I feel like). Also, as there is a difference between feeling anger and actions under the influence of this feeling - I can get angry at the fact that I was in the crowd pushed, but I won't push in response. It is important to understand that You can stop and say to yourself: "Yes, I feel jealousy, but I should not act under the influence of this condition." Please note that it is Your vnutrennee experience, it can be very painful and often unbearable, but nevertheless, You have the choice of how You will do under the influence of this feeling.What to do when You are jealous?
- Rate your relationship.
- all human relations are based on free choice. If Your partner chooses someone else over You, then You have good reason to be jealous. In addition to free choice in a relationship, there is another very important principle – commitment to the relationship. If Your partner is openly flirting, lies, cheats, disappears without explanation, it's totally naturally to feel fear and jealousy. Relationships are under threat.
- If You are in a safe and trusting relationship, and at the same time feel jealousy, it makes sense to ask yourself some questions: What do You have with self-esteem? What kind of relationship You had with your parents? Were Your parents reliable? Have You had any traumatic experiences in other meaningful ways informed?
- Looking for support.
- Talking about their feelings. Keep yourself and condemn not yourself. It is important to do with people who will not tastycat. Ask the experience of others.
- Learn how to manage their feelings in a healthy way.
- Leave a situation that turn You on. Breathe, listen to your body. When the intensity of the feelings subside, you can discuss your feelings with your partner. It is important to speak about my feelings. Not to accuse, not to manipulate and threaten. For example, "I'm jealous of you when you are lost and don't call me", "I get jealous when you hang out with ....." and so on.
- Remind yourself of its merits.
- In jealousy there is always a third, that is, there is Someone with whom You can compare in their favor. For example, someone more successful, prettier, younger, richer, more sociable, and so on. For rassyhaniya jealousy, You can concentrate on other people's virtues and their faults. Here, in order not to torment, it is important to remind yourself about its merits : You have a valuable and attractive? What good is You? Everyone has their own strengths and weaknesses. There is no perfect person in this world.
in summary, I would like to highlight the following - jealousy is not a diagnosis, but a normal human emotion. In the problem it becomes when becomes chronic the feeling. And this is the reason for seeking help.