the Problem of "fathers and children" - the eternal, inexhaustible topic. How many books on this subject have already been written, how many movies filmed, endless articles in magazines illuminate this issue from different angles, with different points of view.
However, every family faced with problems of parent-child relationships, as if this opens a "Pandora's box" for the first time. Seeking the advice of a psychologist, gathering information in books and the Internet, parents often seek the answer to the question, what is wrong with their child. And how can I fix it. Somehow, it is believed that the root of the problem – it is the "wrong" child.
But in a difficult situation involves at least two sides – child and parents (and more – grandparents, teachers, etc.). There are plenty of reasons did not manage to establish a mutual understanding between parents and children. In this article I would like to talk about one of the most important, in my opinion, namely about trust. Or rather, lack thereof.
It is the trust – based relations. The credibility of the parents becomes the best defense against bad influences, it's a guarantee that with their problems the child will come to you, and will not seek the help of questionable friends or fight alone.
What are the actions and deeds of parents destroy the relationship of trust?
- – one way to undermine trust.
Why do parents believe any accusations by not only educators, teachers, neighbors, but even strangers, adults and children? If a neighbor brought your son by the hand and says that he broke a window a ball, and the son swears he didn't do it, who would you believe? So it turns out that first instinct is becoming the support of the Prosecutor, the promise of punishment. We, for some reason, often tend to believe the teacher in the school, the kindergarten teacher, neighbors, but not your child. Although not right can be both children and adults.
Deception on the part of parents, failure to the child, promisesUnwillingness to sincerely talk with the child about his feelings
many families to hide children from their troubles, not to share experiences. We come tired from work, or during the day, we had a situation that kind of ruined the mood, I'm not talking about extreme cases, when the family experienced any sorrow or tragedy. The child is interested with us, what happened, asks why we feel sad or why we are in such a bad mood, he has no idea what's happening, he wants to help us. That often he hears in response? "I'm fine", "okay", "I'm not sad", and then often send it anywhere...to play, to walk, to go about their business. Children are very sensitive, they see and understand that something happened, but you hear from us in response to your questions, deliberate lie, and to demonstrate that talking about feelings is impossible. Will there be a child growing up in a family with such a pattern of behavior, to share their difficulties? The child inadvertently learns the behavior of the parents begins to believe that feelings, emotions need to hide, to conceal, and thus to deceive. I'm not talking about that 3-or 5-year-old kid will certainly need to read-hour lecture about what dropped the Dow Jones or the fact that the world financial crisis and so on, but you can just say "baby, I'm sad, because I had a fight with a friend" or "you're right, I have a really bad mood today, I'm very tired at work and I want to rest." Such things are understandable and preschooler. This will show that you need to share all events sincerely and openly.
- – another way to lose the trust of the child.
Hiding the reason for his bad mood, parents can't help simply fall in a child. Here it is about any confidence, and speech can not be. Without realizing it, not feeling any guilt, anything that will make the child into a family is to try not to catch the eye.
Looking for other ways to release negative energy, anger and weakness, not crevices on your children.
If you could not resist, shouted at the child unfairly, do not hesitate to admit his guilt, ask for forgiveness. This way you will not drop your parental authority. And don't forget to tell your child that even if you are angry, criticize – you still never cease to love him, the child is very important to know this!
Why the child is lying and how is it connected with trust?
the Main cause of child lies (not to be confused with imagination!) fear. Children may fear not only of punishment. A still more afraid not to justify hopes of the parent.
for Example, the father dreamed of becoming a footballer, but he didn't and he decided his heart and soul to invest in his son: the sports section, the best equipment, training every day. And son (you would not believe!) like to draw or, for example, to play chess and he is fantastic at it. However, the father openly laughing at such a "clearly male". Will the son of him to say that football does not interest him? Will you dare to call the hail of ridicule? Most likely, he's just going to skip soccer, devoting his spare time to his hobby. The child is difficult sometimes to confess to the act that the parents unequivocally condemned, especially if he already has a negative experience.
What are parents to do?
Often children lie associated with too many unreasonable restrictions. If the child does not understand the meaning of the ban, the temptation to violate it increases several times. And to avoid punishment, it is better to do it in secret from parents. So before you say "no" think, and whether or not and why.
For many of the prohibitions lies not caring for the baby, and our own laziness, unwillingness to think, just a habit. For example, going for a walk after the rain, is it really necessary to wear to girl dressy dress and white socks? May be better to wear rubber boots and old jeans? But they can jump in puddles without fear that mom will get the blame, and your heart will be torn from the stained and starched white socks. And you'll rest easy and happy, by measuring the depth of all without exception of puddles in the Park. Avoid such definite forms as "not all", "no, because I said so." Explain why not to do one or the other. Remember the mandatory communication, do not dismiss children's endless questions "why?", "why?" is unambiguous sentences, and sometimes quite banal expression "leave me alone" or "there you go again with your nonsense".
Talk, try to establish trust with the child, try to hear him say listening is the key to success. This way you will understand the reason for his lies.
don't kid yourself. How much would you not say that lying is bad, but what good will that do, if you are inclined to hide the truth?
don't scold for the truth. You can condemn the act, but to praise, because honestly it admitted.
even If a child mischief, never start a "public spanking". Quite often I have seen how mothers in school with teacher, and not infrequently even in the presence of classmates, organize a "debriefing" to the child, often not even understanding the situation. Do not just take the point of view of the teacher. In any situation the child should know: parents on his side. The only way your child will see you support and protection, instead of defend, and from you. The teacher can always say that you definitely talk with your child about what happened, but at home, one-on-one in a relaxed atmosphere. In any case it is impossible to prevent all together – teachers, Director, parents – abused one child. Even worse is to arrange such a feast for the eyes of other children, humiliating him thus, in front of their peers.
We educate children not so much by words but by his actions. Be an example to their children. Start with yourself, become the person you want to see in your child. How can anyone "teach" in their life, even they will have to listen very carefully, nod and agree, but it will continue to unconsciously adopt the behavior model of the environment in which they grow. There are, of course, rare exceptions....but then, they are rare, and you did better?
In conclusion, I would like to say our children are our mirror, looking at the child we see his reflection, a reflection of the conditions of life that we have created them. If we don't like, mirror - polished source.
P. S.: Answering the most common question "well, what am I going to do?" I can only say one thing, nothing to do with it, you just have to love all. Love not for something, and of course, just because he is your child.