a Deep meaning invested once Leo Tolstoy, writing: "If you want to be smart, learn to ask reasonably, to listen carefully, respond calmly and stop talking when you have nothing more to say." Very logical and directly relates to spousal relationship! I think that no one would have refused to do what it says in the content is short, but very wise phrase. Yes, that's the thing - it is difficult in reality this desire to embody the ability, so the aphorism and begins with the words: "If you want to BE smart...". Here lies first of all a great desire and tenacity to work on yourself to change within, listening to and perceiving others correctly, and this should be the correct accents: "Who are you? Why did you come to this world? Someone you care about? For whom would you like to change? Why? Someone and something you can and want to be considered? Will it destroy you as a person?" "Is it possible to find a compromise and how to do it? etc.

Many young spouses entering into a marriage, think about how they will live together, being close, thereby collectively solve all the problems, etc. to the end of their century, of course, lost in another world only in one day, and the best in an instant. But it sounds not only fabulous, but is destructive at the personal level, for both partners. Nobody argues that understanding and mutual support is wonderful. In another case, euphoria and passion early in the relationship eventually ends, begins a mundane life with its UPS and downs, failures and joys, trials and overcoming, love when it goes into other transformation: "love affection", "love-respect", "love support", "love partnership" etc. and it is not a reason for breakups, separations and divorces, as the need to adopt a new form as transformation and Deposit of a long relationship, because we, too, grow and change change our interests and needs, their manifestations, including love.

However, the stumbling block can often be:

1. Blurred boundaries of the family - when adult people do not understand that it is his family who composed it. Of course, mom and dad, and minor children are the closest relatives, which are considered family and close friends, but they are not included directly in the "new" family if you were married and even more separated.

here is an example, man enough later started her own family. Only 34 years old he decided to marry. After the wedding the young went to live in his apartment. At the same time, when the family was dominated by love and understanding, they didn't bother their parents, not even asked how their business. But, if we had a quarrel, each of them reported to mom and dad about their problems. This lasted until until parent families do not become manifest quarrels and even scandals, tensions caused by children. In the end, parents expressed their dissatisfaction, there was a separation at the level of generations. In the end, the blurring of the boundaries led to a disagreement in each of the families and young parents. No one is saying that it is not necessary to share and to ask for help family, but not always and not for nothing. Because in the end the problem is not solved, there is no constructive from what plaintive and tragic situation "thumb" and chases from mouth to mouth, from ear to ear.

Or another example, the spouses entered into before marriage and when they were both 45, their daughter got married (she at the time was 25 years). Relationship in a young family was built from the first day of their life together, but they have not had their homes and it was therefore made a mutual decision to stay with their parents in a residential area. Place all missing. The problems began after parents are unable to shift that children adults and have around to control them, to indicate, to influence decision-making, "meddle" in the way of the young. In the end, the constant conflict has shaken the girl, she went into a depression, and eventually filed for divorce. In this case it was necessary to agree and arrange for the two families at the General Council on the rules of living together. This includes not only where and how they will be stored, spoons, ladles, as will be procured and placed products, the most important thing - to be determined social order of relationships established (albeit not immediately) the boundaries in the communication field and sphere of influence on each other (family to family), the forbidden faces in the words, advice, statements and even assistance.

For illustration and understanding of the above will give you an example. The marriage took young, educated, ambitious, and Mature people, concerned with publicity and PR. Each of them used to be seen, but entering into a relationship, they both began to experience some changes in feelings, they realized that everything in their relationship has felt different. The woman was wise, she gave the palm your man, hoping that he, in turn, will appreciate it, and definitely will be treated with respect and recognition to her. However, his influence was huge, comprehensive, it filled all of her living space with a surplus. There was a merger and identification with his wife. Instead of "I want" appeared "we want", and her opinion is not even asked. In conversations with other people, a man began to talk for two, personal contacts ceased to reckon with the wishes of his wife ("I Have a football match today!" - well, of course, but the apartment is a Studio, work tomorrow, and the event will last until two in the morning). Next, the transition from compliance only to his "whims" of the constant calls, control, guidance and what to do to live happily. Disagreements and discontent were hushed up wife due to the fact that the fear of being in not "merge" is very strong. She began to suffer the pain and humiliation just to stay in the relationship. But it can't last forever! Now we cannot talk about a healthy relationship in this marriage.

Summary: if you understand and feel that in any relationship has become too much of other people's opinions, and your personal boundaries are gradually disappearing, eroding the comfort zone, then you should start with yourself. Try to understand where your "I", and where "alien I", answer for yourself the questions presented in the beginning of this article, and remember the words of Leo Tolstoy: "If you want to be smart, learn to ask reasonably, to listen carefully, respond calmly and stop talking when you have nothing more to say." In any case, each customer experience is individual, and help you will help a personal visit to the psychologist.

I Wish You harmony! Be happy in their own way!

Your therapist, Catherine Agafonova.