the Moment waiting to aim for. Call it by different names: "finding your half", "family", "marriage", "the beginning of a relationship", but the meaning is the same – was a territory "I" and territory "You", and now a third, unknown "We". She is simultaneously interested and scared. And it is not always clear what to do with it. Sometimes it happens that someone is so strongly interested in the "We" that forgets its own, someone, on the contrary, wary of this strange and unusual region, and the people who do that harmoniously and happily attend both spaces. Let's consider each of the options read more to find out how to find balance in the relationship.
1. Main – area "We" territory "I" in the second place
This can occur when a woman or a man waited a long time for relations, "hungry" for another person. In this case, the priority becomes the relationship itself. Man tries to do everything for the second half, sometimes forgetting about their own interests.
it Happens that a person begins to see himself as only a part of a couple: "I can't imagine life without him/her", "without her/him I will die", "he/she's my world", "you're the meaning of my life", etc. Then, being preoccupied with relationships, people may cease to pay attention to their interests, Hobbies and activities could overshadow friends and their desires. It is natural for the beginning of the relationship, for their romantic period.
And at the same time ignoring their interests hinders personal growth, leads to the fact that one partner starts to depend on another, losing of the self in relationship. In the relationship may experience feelings of guilt and resentment.
for Example, a guy sat down with friends to watch sporting events, and the girl was offended that he wasn't spending that time with her. Resentment arises at the moment when the partner (in our example guy) temporarily leave the territory "We" and devotes time to their interests. For girls example is a disaster because in her perception of the guy is not just talking with friends and ignoring her. In addition, the girl hard to imagine a time without him, as she had lost touch with their desires and needs. Markers of this behavior are the phrase "gluing": "We passed the exam", "We got a job", etc, depending on the other person's idea about ending a relationship it seems catastrophic, as far as the "We" in this case, lost, and the territory of the "I" he long ago abandoned.
2. The territory of the "We" is a strange and scary
Scare can not only loneliness, but intimacy. To be together is some risk, the risk to dissolve in the other person, the risk to trust him more than "should". To give another part of his soul, to be open and sincere. If personal experience had a traumatic experience of adultery, betrayal, relationship conflicts; if this experience was at my parents and they was told as a child that you have to be careful, do not trust others, then may occur fear of intimacy.
In this case people start to live not "together" and "next". Such relationships are more like a collaboration, when convenient for both, but something in common is not enough. Sometimes after a few years, people are surprised to notice that they either know little each other, or they are bored together. This often becomes noticeable when children grow up and leave home. Disappears a number of worries, time for each other. And at the same time reveals the emptiness associated with lack of warmth and true intimacy.
3. "I" and "We" — two flower garden
People who risk to explore the territory of "We" and, at the same time, support the relationship with the territory "I", have a much greater ability to find harmony and happiness. This relationship, where is warm, where the two become something more than they were alone. Where we value the uniqueness of each, where consider the wishes and Hobbies. It is a space where partners are able to Express themselves, to develop and to develop relationships. Creates a unified field of feelings, interests, desires, and goals of the partners. Such pairs are usually together survive adversity, they are full of kindness and love, and coming to visit them — "bask" soul.
you Have to understand that they are not "lucky" to meet "the one" or "the one", and they risked, tried, searched for compromises, learning to live together in a common area, "We", save your territory "I" and not to seize the territory of "You". They have applied to their strength and not afraid to spend time exploring each other and life "together" and not "next". This part of the process, knowing that, you can find harmony in the relationship.
summing up how to find harmony in relationships, there are a few practical tips:
Talk to one another openly
True, it's scary. Much easier to "play" and try to "train" each other: I'll be offended and go into the other room, then he will suffer, feel guilty, and he guess what it is. These games can last indefinitely. Thus sometimes creates the illusion of the constant drive of change, the illusion of development of relations. But only Frank talk that you did not like the behavior of a partner or like that, can lead to true intimacy.
Respect the territory of "You"
it is Important to talk with each other, not only openly, but respectfully. Would not make sense, if everyone will speak in offensive terms. Remember that any behavior your partner has good reason. Therefore, the discussion of problematic situations should be done in a courteous, polite form, with calm and love. In this case, your partner will be much easier to open up and join in constructive dialogue. When there is mutual respect, it becomes possible to find compromises and solutions to the situation that will bring satisfaction to both.
Eternal-sacrifice does not bring happiness. But despite this, many people continue to "sacrifice himself" to the relationship. And then we hear "I quit my job for him, devoted himself to his family, and he...". But in fact, partner is rarely happy for him when sacrifices. Moreover, after that, he becomes like "should", but he himself may not be aware of. And the one who donated something for the relationship, will expect from him something in return.
And then there is a vicious circle of guilt (for whom he sacrificed) and hurt feelings (which brought the "victim"). To get out of the vicious circle, you should either not bring the "victim", and selflessly "giving a gift", knowing that most/want to. Or the one who after taking the "victims" were "in debt", must "pay off". In any case, we need to discuss the situation.
don't forget about the area "I"
So it happens that women are the "head" leave the family, stop to chat with friends, forget about creativity. Or men start spending a lot of time on the unloved work in order to support a wife. They devote themselves fully to the marriage, forgetting about your personal interests and desires that usually makes people feel miserable and alone. For harmonious relationships, it is important that the two were able to negotiate personal time for each of the path of development for each individual and at the same time about spending time on the General way.
If each of the partners might develop independently, then the relationship can evolve, as each brings on the grounds of "We" something new and fresh. When two people give each other new discoveries, your achievements that contributes to convergence and harmony.
Pay attention to each territory, and your life will be filled with harmony and love. Be attentive to yourself and to your loved ones.
co-author Elena Violin, a clinical psychologist, psychotherapist