Modern people are quite often faced with situations when he was obliged or asked to do something he do not want, cannot or is not ready at the moment. But, it turns out, not everyone of us is able to say a firm "no" in such cases. Let's see what it is and how to master the "art" to deny people.

"we All come from childhood"

In the beginning it is appropriate to recall the famous phrase attributed to the famous psychoanalyst Sigmund Freud: "we All come from childhood". And the question in this case is not about the fact of our birth, and that the vast majority of our individual characteristics and ways of interacting with the world stems from our childhood, in which personality was formed. And the ability or inability to say "no" is also rooted in the earliest childhood – in the age of 2-4 years. All parents know that the first "no" the child begins to show at this age, objecting and refusing nearly everything that he offered. It is from the parents ' reaction to the first "no", "won't" and "do not want" depends largely on whether we possess the art of saying "no" to the time of the onset of our adult, independent life. Most parents and other close adults respond to rejections and objections of a small child is very painful, forcing and, sometimes by force, forcing the child to obey. During this period, the child has formed such an attitude to their own desires, needs: to say "no" - it means to be in conflict, to be uncomfortable and unloved... Advantageous to remain silent. By the way, and children lie is that the child dodging and twists, not able to openly Express themselves for fear of rejection or punishment.

But obviously that childhood not to change or fix, it is what it is. Adult person can learn to say "no" at any period of his life, if you understand what's happening to him, when he can not refuse what is imposed to him or forced to do.

Unwillingness to enter the conflict.

One of the common causes of the inability to say "no" to an adult – avoidance conflict. We may feel (and often there's actual confirmation) that if we deny to man – this will necessarily lead to conflict, or silent confrontation. If the relationship is to us, for whatever reasons the road – we decide not to refuse, and to perform what we ask. But, it is evident that our position does not strengthen relationships with people, making us vulnerable and giving a reason to manipulate us. Thus, on the altar of the relationship we have with his patient silence and consent with the fact that we don't like. Here it is useful to ask yourself the question: why do I need it? Is it really a relationship built on the fact that one manipulates and the other subject – that I hold so dear? Mature personality will never agree to such a compromise will come out of such a relationship, even if it leads to unpleasant and painful experiences and consequences.

the Desire to "buy" a good attitude

Another reason for the inability to say "no" is the desire to earn the love or the location of other people, to be necessary, sometimes indispensable, comfortable to we could say "Yes, this person never fails, he is a reliable and generally cool". In other words, we "buy" the love and respect of others. But the love and respect the needs of others in our society and the desire to communicate with us have not grow from that position, and from our self-sufficiency and congruence.

*Sustainability is the lack of human fear to stay with their ideas alone, without support, and his ability to solve all problems and tasks on their own.

*Congruence is a state of integrity and complete sincerity, when all parts of personality working together, pursuing a common goal. For example, if a person feels, thinks, says and does the same thing, this time such a person can be called "congruent".

Fear and refuse to get under pressure

the Third reason for the inability to say "no" is fear. It is fear that takes us back to childhood when we feared that denying adults will cease to be important psychologically, "disappear," or be punished, to be psychological (or even physical) violence, pressure. This cause operates on an unconscious level and often leads to situations where we still refuse, then feel shame and guilt for it. As to cope with this problem alone is difficult, it is better to seek help from a psychologist to fix it. It will take some time, but will allow you to get rid of children's position in a Mature relationship.

Low self esteem is stopping to say "no."

the Fourth reason may be the absence or blurring of personal boundaries of the person and violation of self-esteem. If we in childhood or throughout life (which is quite common) are used to the fact that our opinion nobody is considered, for us to decide what we eat, wear, how to spend time, what to do, easily invade our personal space – use our things without permission, "interrogate" about our thoughts, feelings and actions, to supervise and evaluate – can hardly dare to say a firm "no", because there is a resistance, a reference to the fact that I will have to be considered, will have to consider that I exist and I'm a real person! It is also the story is quite complex and requires long-term psychotherapy.

Perhaps there are other, purely individual reasons why we are so difficult, and sometimes impossible, to say "no" to other people. This section covers only the most common ones. In any case, we must understand that the responsibility we possess the art of saying "no" or do not possess, is up to us. Mature, self-sufficient and congruent, able to calmly and persistently to say to others about their desires, needs, as well as about the lack or inconsistency of someone else's expectations at a specific point in time. Clearly, the ability to say no gives us the freedom of choice and decision-making, but also holds us responsible for everything that happens to us. I think very often the inability to say "no" demonstrates that we are not ready to dispose of this freedom and do not want to take responsibility for their own lives.

the Article was earlier published by me on the website "Our newspaper" Novorossiysk