About the deep needs imprisoned in our psyche
you Know, there are people who don't like watermelons. Or tomatoes. And when asked “why?”, they say they don't love them since childhood. Once they abruptly stuck in the mouth incomprehensible cold watermelon, and it seemed to him disgusting. Since then, they have these round striped stuff bypassed. But if suddenly on any party into oblivion, they will develop these same watermelons, then there can happen a real love.
With a deep human needs as well. Someone wanted closeness, contact, hobbled to mom-dad on their little fragile legs, but that was once, and picked him up and put his back to the cage. Yes, and given a good slap. Since then, the taste of the attractions for an adult is bitter.. After all, you still rejected. And the rejection and then seen where it does not exist. Any unavailable person may seem rejecting. And although the level of adult cases are clear, the taste of bitterness is already here.. And I do not want then to call that person and have him business.
Sometimes the closeness can happen, and the taste of her sweet. But the bitterness is always ready is only to ease the contact to lose control of the situation. Codependent people feel it immediately: the psyche has sounded the alarm, the soil leaves from under feet, included compensatory strategy. Bitterness to eat, to drink, to smoke, to swing, to dance. The difference between "painkiller" only in the degree of harmfulness of its effects. And there are those who choose not to feel no more sweetness, no bitterness. To live alone. Or live with someone suffering and out of habit, but would not be without “the ground under their feet”.
Difficult to work with chronically frustrated/unsatisfied needs. There's a lot of fear, bitterness, resentment, deliberate defeats and unwillingness to go through a minefield: loves-not likes, to the heart prizhmut – will send to hell. Or else: will be free – might not survive, will die from loneliness? Afirmatsii from the “World – the good, and everybody loves me" give only the surface calm, and do not reach the depth where the belief is supported by experience. And often – experience multiple. In addition, the protective mechanisms are so strong and automatic that the satisfaction of latent needs becomes almost impossible.
When you are in an acute crisis, you can see his true desire, for example, proximity or freedom, loud and clear. You can promise yourself lying sleepless nights, in tears, to do everything to wish. But as soon as the crisis passes and you calm down, defensive mechanisms can again immerse you in a “oblivion”. You may think that then sleepless night crying and suffered a completely different person.
How to bypass the security mechanisms, the guardians of our psyche and to break free is to dream of the sky, and to fly in it?
1. To create for themselves “reminder”. It can be words, characters, toys and other attributes, somehow reminding you of what you want in the most critical and critical periods of your life. Someone really wanted love, someone's freedom and autonomy. It is important not to forget about it.
2. Make unusually pleasant. For example, you can meet and communicate online, including soft music, creating a light relaxed atmosphere (unwillingness/fear of interaction and proximity). Or to take the first step towards freedom, alone going to a nice restaurant or a movie (unwillingness/fear of autonomy)
3. Create a reward system. Praise and thank yourself for every step taken in the direction of the disadvantaged needs. This can be done orally, in writing, through gifts and different pleasantness in relation to itself.
4.Find keyword. For example, you like to be treated, take care of your body. Put that same attitude to the need that is chronically satisfied. For example, it is possible to have contact with people, because that's the way your treated “nedolyublennosti”. Do you feel better after talking, although initially you like and not like? Capture your as “to” and “after” concludes.
5. Finally, it is desirable to work with a psychologist on the topics of codependency/contravision. This will help you see the imbalance that does not allow you to spread your wings and out of the cage (loneliness/dependence).