the Child doesn't change. What is the reason?

"One day the Kid came home from school angry, with a bump on his forehead.

Mom was busy in the kitchen. Seeing the lump, it is, as expected, was upset.

' Poor Baby, what's that on your forehead? mother asked and hugged him.

Krister threw a rock at me, - sullenly replied the boy."

(Astrid Lindgren "the Kid and Carlson")

Probably no parent who would not have found yourself in a situation when his child is hurt. How to protect your dear and near? How to teach him to stand up for themselves?

the First thing we teach a child – "come back!" But it happens that the child, quite unexpectedly for us, in no hurry to follow this advice. To our great chagrin, we find out what hurt him often – the companions in the yard, the boys in kindergarten.

"What? Our child can't stand up for themselves!!!! How to teach a child to give back?" – a question often heard at the meetings with psychologist.

One of the main reasons for this "inaction" of the child that he finds it difficult to engage in open confrontation with the offender. In fact, we are talking about the ability - or rather, the inability of the child to protect its borders, to fight back.

enabling the child to cope with this difficult task of protecting its borders, not only in childhood but also later, throughout his life, parents are very important to teach the child that

Defend yourself – good! Reply when you get hurt – right.

How often in the sandbox, we hear: "Dima, give the machine the boy, let him play! Don't be greedy! Be good! Give!"

there is No doubt that gradually he will learn to be good. "Be good" for him means to endure, to remain silent, "you can't protect your", "you can't protect yourself." Oh, how we want then the child was doing quite the opposite!

"Why did you hit Mike? Don't you dare fight! Watch the hands!" - teach parents their baby at the first attempt to fend for themselves. Because adults know exactly the "fight – not good."

we adults forget that the child lives "here and now", his reaction is immediate and direct ("took the machine – get the change immediately"). Under the influence of the adult, eventually the child develops an internal ban on the direct expression of their emotions, especially aggressive, because they are "bad". And the child is not able to meet the offender. Anyway, how can you protect yourself if you can't even be angry?

the Child can fend for himself!

of Course, the first reaction of a mother when hurt her favorite child to save him from the aggressive, ill-mannered children. And mom "joins the battle": "Bob, if you hurt my my love, I love you ......! Petya, come here, bad boy! Take a walk in another place, with good children."

Therefore, we, parents, do not allow your child to learn how to resolve conflicts. The baby gets used to the fact that there is a protector. In the end, the child just does not know how to fight. Not learned. And why should he, if mom (grandma, babysitter) constantly at the ready? Sorry, we can't he defend always and everywhere.

If the child could not protect themselves – the parents don't condemn it. He can always count on their help.

When a child repeatedly can't fight back, out of the conflict defeated, the parents are very upset, and sometimes even (by his own impotence) angry. "Coward! Wimp! That man who cannot fight?" - a child hears, and especially the son of the father.

And the kid is clamped, it is best tries to not let anyone know about his "shame". The fear of being rejected by parents all increases and increases. Who to go to who will support? The child is left alone with their experiences with the trouble. Without support, alone not every adult will find the strength to fight. And the baby – even more so.

so, how is it to teach the kid to fight back?

Teach your child that he has every right to protect their own. "You don't have to give up your toys, they are yours." You can invite the kid to share toys with other children, arrange for them to play together, to explain how interesting it is to play all together. But do not demand from the child that he wanted to give his own.

Discuss with the child how to fight back. Be creative, act out scenes, how to answer the offender, and not only by force. The more the child will have behaviors, the more likely that one of them he uses next time.

Give the child an opportunity to socialize with other children. Be always there don't go far. The kids still don't understand yourself, so if you need to tell me how to resolve the dispute peacefully.

older Children can try the option of verbal resistance. Teach your child to confidently say "don't touch me!". Confidence is very important. To the confident man is not so easy to come to hit or to hurt.

Discuss with the child the incident. Try to analyze in detail with him the situation in which he was hurt. Multiple discussions, clarifying the situation reduces emotional events. In addition to these moments strengthens the contact with the child, formed a trusting relationship with him. Your acceptance and understanding, Your support will give him confidence.

Analyze your parental relationship to the child. the Dominant position of adults can lead to the fact that the child is made to feel strong, brave, confident, and as a result will not be able to respond to the person who offends.

Form a child's independence and self-esteem. Often say, what is it you have grown, how strong. Show your child that you trust him, see him as a man capable of solving their own problems, while you are always ready to help him.

all Classes in the sports sections, including martial arts, primarily useful for the child's health, development of strength and agility. Besides classes in such sections enhance the child's self-esteem and confidence.

Parent support is very important for a child. The main thing to know you always understand and help him.

Natalia Sergeeva, psychologist