Long known one of the classic patterns that play two, whether they're a couple or family. We are talking about the distribution of roles in tandem: one pursuing, the other fleeing.
the So-called haunting seeks contact and interaction. Since such a pair of running doing everything to avoid contact, the normal methods an invitation to contact from the pursuing gradually replaced by claims, charges, demands, criticism and start to become more aggressive.
the So-called running tends to avoid real intimacy in relationships, and he literally runs. Often runs quite visibly - physically manifested in his absence, that he had very little time with your partner. Sometimes he runs out of relations, when the cycle of prosecution-dismissal of spins up to some already unbearable level. This is a breakup, divorce. Sometimes physically running is in sight, or rather his body. And he is somewhere else. In virtual reality, for example. Or modified substances state of consciousness. It is an escape into addiction. Describes the types of escape visible.
But there is another kind of flight, which is difficult to see. It is an escape in itself.
This treadmill does not seek to breakup or divorce, he seems to want the relationship to be. He even tends to run away from home, it works moderately and in the evening returns home, the weekend also conducts home. Physically he's around. And he even has some of the expressed dependencies. Do not drink or drink moderately. And not even the sins of many hours of computer games. Nevertheless, he is in constant flight. He runs in himself.
He even talks to his partner, only these conversations out of nothing. It is not disclosed and does not seek to understand the other. He shows himself present. He is not afraid of commitment. He's not concerned with deep themes. Conversations can be concrete-effective in nature, to touch upon the necessary Affairs, to describe some external event, be discussing some unrelated to the pair. In communication such a person can be a lot of humor, the type of clown, when nothing is taken seriously and nothing seriously they say. There is also avoidance of answering any direct questions.
This flight definitely felt the second half, as the flight physical or flight dependent. Felt, causes many unpleasant emotions, causes and enhances the chasing behavior.
But this form of escape is difficult to detect, harder to understand, harder to withdraw on a rational level, more difficult to about it. Haunting, of course, will still find something to complain about, but often there will be some minor reasons, but not the essence. To complain that people drink - it is clear and palpable. To complain that a person is never home - too. And something to complain about, when people here and even talking to?
When such couples come to the reception, of course, you need to work with both. To soften and to encourage trust and disclosure running. This problem is solved at least 10 meetings.
If You learn this article something like that, how is the life of Your pair, You can take the first step and come to me for advice.
And reading the article psychologists I invited to the program on systemic family therapy (https://www.b17.ru/trainings/sist_sem_ter_i_kons/), where much attention is given to how to work with couples.