Below I post the reminder that you made up and give to my clients when we begin to explore the theme of borders.

Why I'm some points need to cite examples of phrases that can be said?

Feature a man who grew up in a dysfunctional family, is that some social skills and notions of what is "possible-impossible" he has less than than those who grew up in a fairly healthy family. These skills were not formed (for example, because it was not before the eyes healthy and respectful relationships in the parent family) or destroyed (for example, when you experience long-lasting psychological violence).

At work I quite often puzzled — "what can it be?". Therapy in this case, it starts with awareness, which in principle is a lot you can do otherwise and stay in order. This position in transactional analysis is called "I'm OK You're okay" to her in the future and aspire.

to understand the violation of their or other people's boundaries first you need to decide where these boundaries are, where it ends and begins "it is impossible". it is essential to legalize, to get permission to try to learn new ways of interacting to the taste.

Over a year since I made this "Reminder", it was useful to many of my customers can say, time-tested and so I decided to share it with everyone.


1. When you are asked about something unpleasant, something questionable, call somewhere where you don't want to be – you have the right to take a break and respond later.

"I'll think about it and answer later"
"I can't promise Anything – I need to think"
"I need some time to think."

2. You have the right to refuse. Even if it is very very nice/promising/the right person. Without explaining the reasons. To apologize you need only when you had already promised to give consent, and now he changed his mind. Yes, you may change your mind. And less to promise.

"I'm not going to answer this question"
"I'm not going to speak on this subject,"
"I need to be alone"
"I understand your interest but I'll leave this question unanswered"
"I'm sorry, but no"
"I'm sorry, but I changed my decision."

3. You have the right to remain on their side. Always. And if the person pushes, whines, demands or you just catch that your guilt/shame is growing – take a break and get out of contact immediately — see 1 and 2.

4. You have no telepathic abilities. It is a fact. If the person is not directing in your direction request or question, you don't have to guess what he wants. Only open communication. Yes, it's hard and you need to take care of yourself. But only for myself.

5. Even if the person addresses to your side of the question or request, you can take a break or opt out – clause 1 and 2.

6. Your companion is also no telepathic abilities. He'll never know, if he does not say. Ask to repeat, to do, to help, to stop. If requests to stop to do something in relation to you, the person does not stop to get out of contact. Cm. p. 3

7. Please contact your body. Sometimes you can not see the pressure or manipulation, but the body reacts always. Catch the feeling: lump in throat, heaviness in the shoulders or neck, headache or dizziness, chest or stomach something is compressed or whines, etc. If this happens when communicating with another person – leave your contact. Cm. p. 3

8. You can take a break or abandon all, which I doubt.

9. You have the right to remain on their side. Always. If you forget – remember the rule of plane: oxygen mask on yourself first.

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Olga Kosheleva
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