we Continue the conversation about the parent message, and today let's talk about the eleventh — "you don't belong"
in short, it is about a man who everywhere feels like a stranger
Signs of this message:
People almost everywhere feels like a stranger in your own country, in the workplace, in your family, with your friends.
Feels that he as a "white crow", which can not find their
Held aloof in a corner. Rarely participates in General discussions and communication
Hard to fit into the team, feels like a stranger, stranger
It really don't take to many groups.
I Can not even begin to survive from the team, in some cases
In the children's team a child may be an outcast. Children intuitively read the message and press "stranger".
Constantly wants to escape, to move, to go: to change the place of residence, place of work, occupation, social circle
Looking for another place where he must be better than here
Can blame others and the country that he can't do something in life as he would like. There would be other people, would be a different country would be.
Paradox that no matter how much he ran, he still always will feel like a stranger. Never finds its and their. These attempts to run only lead to the fact that he is even stronger in the decision "not to belong"message there are 2 aspects:
1. People — a collective group of people. Feel like a stranger in a certain group of people, not to find her.
2. Locations — country, city. Feel like a stranger in a certain place, and not to find a place where good
it Can be both at the same time.what this means:
the Owner of such messages is difficult to form a "we" with any group or community.
it's Hard to accept support from people, because these people are strangers to him, not your own.
Person or group opposes, or stands in the way .
Well able to be alone, but has difficulty to be with someone together
Over time, may organize your group and become a leader. But there will feel like a stranger, oddly enough.
How is transmitted and received message "you don't belong".
is Passed to the parents, who themselves, no one does not feel.
for Example, parents often say, "here's where we – bad, but there's – okay."
Bad country, bad town, a bad job— according to parents it is not so.
the Child can take this message, if the family often moves from place to place, the child concludes that he's here for a while.
makes No sense to get used to this place, it is still soon to move.
Parents can talk bad about other people, "99 percent of the people is not good." (There is usually more than strong language is used)
About classmates, about the children of the yard, about any other group of people — not these people around.
some other people, and these are wrong.
a Child can learn that people aren't always right, and will feel a stranger among them.
Parents can say "it is Bad to be like everyone else". The message can be transmitted through family myth "We don't like it".
the Child concludes that there is bad and good there. the people Here are wrong and there is right. We must always look for where the best, something new and different. And then where it is now – bad. And the place is not, and people are not.
the Surrounding people can unconsciously read the installation, that person feels weird. And really treat it as a "weird, not this", which further strengthens the installation.
the Child can take a message if in the childhood it is often passed from hand to hand, he lives in some family members from others, and feels that he has a permanent place of stay.
If the child long does not go to the garden, because "Sadovsky". And then comes into the garden and does not fit into the current team. The child develops and consolidates the understanding that I don't like them. He feels that there they are I, not separately belonging to the group, a stranger.
IMPORTANT: the child usually has a need to belong to a group, to feel its. And he's on the level of consciousness can resist the installation of "do not belong". Installation is fixed in the unconscious through frequent repetition on the part of parents, "drop wears away the stone" .
Added: There's nothing wrong with being like everyone else, to be independent.
Good if people have choice, flexibility — and it can be part of a group, to be a "we" with anyone and at the same time feel separate from the group itself.
The essay I'm talking about a situation where there is no choice, and people everywhere feels alien, not a black sheep. And committed to change-to change-to change the culture, chasing the illusion that there is not, but somewhere in there he'll find his and his.
Example 1: (with permission from client)
the Client's childhood, saying that all people are stupid, don't need them to strive to communicate and pay attention to them.
problems with the team had started in kindergarten and continued in school. More or less fit she was only in high school, but there she had some friends. She kept very much to himself.
Changed jobs because I didn't like the customers there. The next work to her surprise clients were approximately the same as the previous one.
the Feeling of "the wrong people" was held just after the therapy, when the client realized this message
I was familiar with the man who constantly abused his country. The country and the people blames that they are wrong, not are wrong. Childhood is also often heard from his father that the country is poor and live in it some "bad people". His parents, too, often would say things about the country, about the people in it. And it was passed to their son
What should parents do to nurture children this message:
to Explore this message to yourself — not to give it to their children
to pay attention to his words, and not to mark as bad all around, saying that in another place all is well
Not to talk bad about the people around them — all wicked, and this
What you can do yourself, if You have a message "you don't belong".
Gradually learn to find the to buy it is a new experience — to belong. You can start with a group where it will make it easier. For example, with a group of like-minded people with the same interests. Then this experience can be extended to other areas of life, if you want.
to Strengthen the setup, "I'm OK, You're OK, the World OK."
the Purpose of therapy is to help the person make a new decision.
This decision may be that he wants to be his, to belong
There are several options how to do it:
you Can work with situations where the child has decided not to belong, and from child to adopt a new decision. This situation is usually not one. And already in the course of work it becomes clear, what of them should work.
you Can work with the personality (with children's section) which was formed as a result of this — that it allowed itself to be part of any group.
In order not to belong, to feel different, there may be some "benefit" to humans. You can feel special, more important. Or to explain its difficulties in anything because the country is not, people are not. If the person refuses with the message "do not belong", he will need to find a new solution and a new way to live for myself.
I Invite you to discuss in the comments if you have questions, ask!