Violence in relationships
"I hit my wife," he said in a trembling voice, holding back their feelings , "she's gone , I can't live without her, I feel bad want her back". So began consultation - seek help man. It turns out that married for nearly 11 years, have children . But "my anger, my anger, all the spoils".
Started working with him, I thought it will take two or three consultations, and it is not long enough. Nice mistaken. Continues to walk, does homework and have come together with his wife for marital counseling. Notes that if "do something, then follow through", and I'm interested in ".
Advice to this client was the subject of this writing. Violence in the relationship.
This topic is not new. I want to focus on the other hand, men who are called tyrants , persecutors. I'm not going to be a judge and say "bad" and "good", and to blame or defend a bully. No.
It is to those men, primarily, who are already tired of such relations and first of all himself, from his anger and aggression. And most importantly willing and READY to change themselves, their relationships with family and their loved ones. Choose love, prosperity and joy. And of course for women to think differently about their husbands
Scenario of a relationship
the Script is tried and tested. It's very simple , each has its own role . Husband
"Tyrant" comes home at any little thing begins to fall apart, his wife the "Victim" is" not washed the dishes", "not prepared ", "why phone calls were not answered immediately"......Complaints and criticism to his wife, children, friends.
took it out on those who are close. Wife was mad, crying, goes to mom. The husband feels guilty, angry at himself for others.
Then asks for forgiveness, gives flowers, returns from his mother. Reconciliation, love, passion - for some time and then all over again. Walking on coals in a vicious circle. Suffer and the husband, wife and children. The inner circle . Familiar?
1.The underlying life of these men
"I prosperous You not safe"
" I+", "Thou". This position of arrogant superiority. In other words - consider themselves to be "a huge plus"- smart, beautiful, very important, that is the main Celestials.
Other "outs" - the misfits, grey, not important, small, insignificant. Disregard the feelings of others, they are untrusted
Criticize , comment on, humiliate, insult insulting words, use physical violence - hitting, beating, beating, punishment. It is impossible to be around such a person, and family leave.
the Reckoning and the loneliness.
This basic emotional attitude can be formed in early childhood or in adulthood. In childhood it may be for two reasons. In one case, the family strongly emphasizes the superiority of the child over other people. Such a child grows up in an atmosphere of reverence, forgiveness, and the belittling of others. For him it is the natural environment, and the other he does not know. All his needs are satisfied, he does not know failure, for others it is a source of meet their needs. It is not taught to give to others, but to take.
In the second case , when the child constantly is in conditions that threaten his health and even life. They're being abused - humiliated, insulted, physically and mentally punished.
And when he is recovering after another humiliation, in order to overcome their helplessness, prinizhennost, or simply to survive, he concludes: "I'm happy". And to be free from feelings of hopelessness, dependence on their abusers and those who protected him , concludes "You are safe".
as already formed such an installation, it is necessary to reinforce , and to prove to myself and others that are steep and main. It is all good.
Perhaps one of the main feelings experienced by these people is anger at anyone - minor or very minor reason. To understand the nature of anger, it has little understanding .
Anger — negative affect, directed against experienced injustice and is accompanied by the desire to eliminate .
V. V. Makarov and G. A. Makarova in the book "scenarios of the personal future" are the following types of anger.
- 1. Natural , healthy, primitive, biological, immediate reaction, when a person feels abandoned, lonely or in pain.
- 2. Adapted natural anger, which was interrupted before it was pronounced because of any fears. Concerns associated with punishment expression of rage and the man becomes reserved, "defuse " anger" in the body-the result is stress - psychosomatic disorders.
- responsible Healthy anger - effective to establish their own boundaries when others penetrate your personal space.
4.the Wrath of disobedience -rebellion may be part of the development of the child that anger manifests itself in 2, 9 and 15 years .The child proves to the parent that it can face the parent
5.Anger - retaliatory, destructive- in the worst case, deadly and murderous.
7.Righteous anger, anger for the benefit of others . The condemnation of others, when they say "wouldn't it be awful" and criticized.
Base setup of such men,
From childhood are given the following setup, which men follow.
" Be strong"- that is , whatever happens, you have no right to feelings. "You're a boy" and boys don't cry". A ban on the senses. If you feel so weak. So they choose power.
- First of all start to change attitudes ", I +", " YOU +", I am "good", the world and others "good."
this means. To abandon what you have to do something other ( to love, to do something for you, to help, to give gifts, etc.)
to Refuse the claims. Learn to give to others, just like that, and start small , gradually. It's a nice and encouraging words, compliments. This is an unexpected and lovely surprises . This attention to the other person.
2.Working with anger. Learn how the use of force makes you feel powerful and find healthy ways to feel confident. Go through training in anger management to learn how to restrain anger and methods of liberation from anger.
When you begin to feel angry stop and think before you verbally or physically abuse another person
Apologize to those you offended or insulted. Start a healthy family
4.Get a life, peace , family, and relationships without anger.
Appeal to women.
Support your husband if he decided to change. Notice the different positive changes, tell him about them. Your husband will feel better that he is doing that he could have something to do, began to control their anger, became more attentive to you.
Just do not expect quick and instant results. Path a mile begins with a single step.
moreover, it is necessary that women also took personal therapy or couple's therapy. Because dance is a pair dance.
it is Known that one of the causes of violence , it is certainly a provocation of the women themselves, who need to feel like a victim. Has its benefits, the husband Stalker - punished, then a stormy reconciliation, guilt on his part and gifts and attention to the woman.
furthermore, motivate your husband. To save it and control is not necessary. And you can be interested.
This is of course if the man HIMSELF wants, seeking help and ready to change something.
What to choose ? Choose LOVE!