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Imagine: morning on the street in Sunny weather, come spring days. Super mood, I want to wear something bright and light! You look out the window to see how there go the people. Seeing a couple of passers-by in street clothes, his head starts flickering thought: "And I, like a fool bright will you go?" or "what if the day will be rain and wind, and I will go wet? Is ridiculous". Harmonious personality to miss these ideas and wear what you want. But its opposite will do differently: wear what "need" or find a compromise, which is still poorly satisfy the initial internal impulse.

to me Once for counseling a woman about 35 years. Diploma in school, prefect at the Institute, good job, caring and faithful husband, two children. She was the only "correct" and "effective" solutions. Her life was so "right" that she came to me to inquire about anything this "right" life, and a sense that for many years was not in my path.

Why is this happening? Why do we so often make decisions that make who do not want?

the human Psyche is heterogeneous. At the same time it co-exist the three components or roles (E. Berne, Freud) — PARENT, CHILD ADULT.

CHILD is our instincts, desires, needs, animal, or self, which lives in us, it is the most ancient and powerful part of the psyche. The CHILD thinks the category of "want."

ADULT is our self, our personality. ADULT the living reality, makes decisions, coordinates the desires of the CHILD based on the real world picture.

PARENT is a social, community and family rules of conduct and prohibitions. PARENT thinks in terms of "must", "must", "right", "wrong", "effectively".

while in the head of a dialogue between these three roles. If the PARENT dominates the psyche and does not satisfy the wishes of the CHILD, it leads to internal conflict and painful emotional state.
Our inner child is the main component of the psyche. Satisfaction of its needs is the main task of the ADULT. In other words, if you do not live in harmony with your true desires, then lost the true meaning of your existence.

How to learn to do what you want?

first, listen to your feelings and emotions. They never cheated. If you have taken some even a very small solution and made some action, and you're good for the soul, and the mood has improved — you are on the right track. If the mood has deteriorated, and you continue to rationalize his action that it was right that otherwise would not be — means, the hegemony of the PARENT is still in progress.

second, include the ADULT when the PARENT begins to dominate. To include ADULT means to analyze the situation on the reality. If no sign of real physical threats or actual social exile — act. The claims of the PARENT "is wrong", "should be ashamed", "what will people think", etc. include the reality and join the discussion: "it is Wrong for whom? If I want it, how can it be wrong?", "Ashamed of what? I want to wear brighter clothes, not naked to go to the street naked though I can also go, only to freeze, unable to think of anything, anytime, I can't read their minds, but even if they think about me something bad, how it hurt me? Their power of thought will cause me real physical harm? If not, then what's the problem?".

third, learn to say "no." This is one of the most valuable skills. To say "do not want", you don't need arguments, justification or excuse you need to realize that "do not want" — this is the answer of your CHILD on some kind of offer. Reluctance to engage in any activity — already a reason not to do so.

What to do if you fail the first time?

to Do a second time, then third and so on, until you learn to hear yourself and make decisions based on your true desires. Prepare to be phrases PARENTS that if you live for yourself, then "you will be fat", "useless", "slide", "a girl of easy virtue", "drinking", "before a fall" etc. And after a while you start to distinguish between its domestic needs from social and learn to choose only what brings joy and pleasure, life will sparkle with very different colors.

Love yourself and be yourself.



Ivan Kharchenko
2018-04-16
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