Every year in Russia, creating about 1 000 000 marriages, divorces about 650,000 couples, that is about 60-65% of the number registered for the year of families. Plus, parted more civil couples, not legally formalized their relationship in the registry office. Thus, the facts say the following: about half a million men and women in Russia every year decide to keep the family together for the kids is just not worth it! And former spouses and cohabitants break up.
it would Seem, what else is there to say? One and a half million people a year – no joke! Moreover, from year to year over the past two decades! People vehemently opposed family, can happily say: "This statistic is a direct recommendation to not save the family, even for children. I can't even talk about it!" But, let's not jump to conclusions. As an experienced family psychologist, I want to draw your attention to several important points.
1.The vast majority of those men and women that got divorced or left the family, does not live in splendid isolation! These people in the future still, aim to create a new stable relationship and family. That is, it turns out that divorced does not speak against the family, as an institution of longstanding, responsible relations with the opposite sex, and just couldn't:
— the right to choose a partner for a relationship(s) would share(a) basic values of life and perceptions of the model family;
— to behave in these respects, improving the family's own behavior, being able to promptly discuss any topic relevant to families and each of a pair of children;
— the right to inform the partner relations about their own goals, desires and needs change in their life together;
— to properly respond to the evolution of partner relations in joint life, changes his goals, desires and needs;
— to properly adjust their own and others ' behavior;
— to resolve any of these contradictory relations.
That is, the problem is not the institution of the family as such, but in the people who can not and do not want to work on themselves, and therefore are not able to take advantage of the benefits that can give them a family.
2.Many of divorced and gone from the family, later returning to his partner in marriage (relationship) and your children (child), so how do you figure out that you can't live without them. Ex-husbands and wives reconciled, again live together, often give birth to more children together. So how to re-arrange their relations through the Registrar's office is not everything, it's just not included in the statistics. So, after about a year after cheating, separations and divorce, real statistics of breakups becomes 60-65% of the number of marriages and approximately 30%. And the statistics will more accurately show the true state of Affairs in the field of marriage.
3.Many of divorced and deceased of family, in the future be unable to create other families. Over the years, they have very heavy and painful, unstable relationships, self-loathing and new partners. As it turns out: the psychological link with the former family is significantly stronger than with other partners in the relationship. But back to the family, they can not, since not taking them back, or they have serious obligations to a new partner, most often the joint children. They, years later, cast as well as children from her first marriage. At the same time increasing the number of abandoned children and their own depression.
by the Way, it is because of this Russia is in the group of countries with the largest number of deaths from strokes, heart attacks, alcohol poisoning, suicides, etc. Because of a family disorder, affecting psycho-somatic, is often the underlying cause of the reduction in the duration of human life.
Based on the totality of these details, I consider it necessary to confess:
In most dysfunctional families, you should save the marriage
not so much because of the children, how many needed
the preservation of life, health and overall success of the spouses themselves.
as for the interests of the children, the situation can be opposite.
Sometimes a divorce and separation of parents healthier for their children,
than the preservation of such a marriage where a high risk of
the negative impact their psyche, life and health.
for Example, we are talking about a situation where the husband or wife are alcoholics, drug addicts, gamers, criminals, the mentally ill, fundamental parasites, prone to regular scandals in children, aggression, domestic violence to children, suicide etc are constantly changing, infecting his family half of the sexually transmitted diseases, with the risk, once infected with hepatitis C or AIDS. (In practice my work a lot of cases where, in the end, was infected with a deadly disease, and young children are breastfed). In such cases, I believe that children do better to grow, seeing this his parents, who not just takes the disgusting examples of behavior, but just dangerous for them.
So when people ask me, "is it Worth it to keep the family together for the children?", answer: "Family which is in deep crisis, and you need to keep in the case, if there are three important circumstances:
— this is not a threat to the psyche, the life and health of children;
— this is not a threat to the psyche, the life and health of the spouses themselves;
— customized self-critical wife, clearly know what is the cause of their conflict, is ready to make the proper adjustments in their behavior.
If this is so, then the preservation of the family is appropriate. If at least one of these three circumstances is absent, save the family meaningless. So as to maim the psyche, the life and health of children and spouses is unacceptable. But if the couple have no understanding of what they should change in their behavior and the structure of the family as a whole, it will only increase the degree of conflict and will still lead to unacceptable violence, or against them.
the procedure for filing a divorce for couples counseling is another opportunity of dialogue between the spouses to keep the family together.
this explains my position just to keep the family together for the children's sake, tormenting himself, his family, and half carrying risks for children, is meaningless and futile. Usually, it does not last long. Yes, and not in any good children, are horrified involve a head in shoulders when mom and dad start the conversation in a raised voice. Examples of such behavior do not lead to success in school, not help, communication with peers, and certainly not useful for future family relations of the children themselves. If we talk only about the financial benefit, the question more correctly addressed through alimony or your career after a divorce.
And emphasize the important thing: for most troubled spouses save their marriage is often the only chance not to get lost in life by him! Because, those adults men and women that can not properly create a family and right to live in it themselves, almost like children. And family need them to survive and simply grow up".
this is my position of couples therapy. That is why, in my work, never suggest conflicting spouses to suffer and endure for the sake of the children. Conviction:
for the Sake of children should not tolerate, but to work on yourself and relationships!
But again: it is necessary to work not with emotion, not shouting and not insults! You need to work consciously, clearly, critically and self-critically examining the causes of family conflicts, creating a particular schema out of the impasse of the crisis. Without it, work is pointless and futile.
Actually, that's all. On the question posed to me I answered. In many of my books and articles from the site zberovski.ru there are clear hints how to improve family relationships and not bring them to this situation, when the head of the husband or wife will come depressive thought "to suffer in the marriage for the children." Read on time and take action!
If you need the assistance of a psychologist in coping with the crisis in your family life, I will be glad to create for you a customized "road map" of the movement for a better life and try to help you during a personal or online consultation.
With respect, the psychologist, Professor Andrew Zberovsky.
