Recently read the publication "peg Strip. You find an excuse for toxic behavior mother?" Where, how and, indeed, often, I meet the Council: - Cross out the mother out of your life!
(Stop talking, stop to justify it, there is no need to look for in her actions any sense. Hate, etc.)
I'm a psychologist, I am 56 years old and I'm 40 years looking for the answers to these questions.
Yes, I have a toxic mother (by the way I really like the term. Remember the fly in the ointment? It seems to be tar (toxin) not much, but the honey to eat it is not suitable, although honey does not cease to be.). Yes, in my 50, she told me: - "You were born and perevodila me my whole life" - believe me, it hurts. And Yes, our family acupuncture find our weak points.
it Often happens that the client can't stop to chat with the mother, because by force of circumstances have to live together. And the mother is the mother, if the TV is broken, he has not ceased to be a TV.
hatred of the mother destroys us. (I remember from school wanted to finally mother died and ceased to torment me). And professionally, as a psychologist, a follower of the method of PDP (Positive Dynamic Psychotherapy V. Y. Slabinsky) I know that this is so.
Because of the stability of the client we are trying to increase the positive evaluation of the past and reduce the negative memories of the past. Remember how Harry Potter needed a happy memory to ward off a soul-destroying Dementors.
So that the toxic mother does not negate Your and my happy childhood. Because illness increases with age and typically covers the power of women (in my experience) closer to the climax. But in our childhood, and their adolescence is less impact on our psyche.
I remember at the seminar, the psychologist testified:
- Your mother didn't have the abortion and carried you 9 months, surrendered to the orphanage, killed after birth, but 100 years ago it was common in Europe (tale "Tom thumb" is a reflection of real events of those years). Your mother nourished you and clothed, doctored, etc. That is done quite a lot to be grateful to her for her life.
Indeed, it is enough not to destroy itself with hatred for the mother.
According to the ideas of Vladimir Nikolayevich Myasishchev, a man driven by two vectors of psychic energy, love and interest. If love is primarily an emotional side of a relationship, the interest is primarily linked to cognitive (cognitive) side of the relationship.
the Method of "Balance of Love and Interest," N.M.Vosawai developed in line with the method of Positive Dynamic Psychotherapy, allows you to "see" the relationship from different angles, a view of a bonding relationship and dropdown links in the chain. Love and Interest are active and passive components, which can shed light on the essence of the conflict.
the Emotional side of the relationship
the Cognitive side of the relationship
Love as a positive emotionally charged desire to give the object of love something that has a subject.
Interest as a pronounced desire to take the object what the subject itself does not possess (knowledge, material resources, support, etc.)
Love is like a negative emotive need to take in the object of love what we don't like, cause internal protest.
Interest as a conscious (M. b. calculated) the need to perform routine actions in the address of the object relationship, i.e. the need to give what to give I do not really want (time, money, etc.).
If all four areas are harmonious – relationships bring joy, develop, and comfortable to both parties to the relationship. And if you are not comfortable, then somewhere there is an imbalance of love and interest, then dropped some of the four quadrants described.
In the case of a toxic mother, it's definitely the case. If drawn mother the perfect image of a child at odds with what she sees in his child and Love a child the way he is, or Interest on the investment of time and effort for the development of desired characteristics in a child is not enough, then the balance is disturbed and the relationship degraded.
And she wasn't ready to invest in a relationship with a child "As he said – so be it!" Doesn't want to give away what you want – attention, time, willingness to understand, to cooperate, to compromise their plans to go to counseling with the question – "what's wrong?"
the Question of how to build a relationship with a toxic mother?
Yes, toxic mother often thinks she's doing the best for the baby breaking it on his knee, and the funny thing is that children often grow up to be sensitive and responsive to others ' pain, and well adapted to life. But this causes a lot of pain. And look toxic mother as quite normal people. This is the problem. If my mother in law had Alzheimer's, the children very tenderly cared for her not giving value to her, because the disease was visible to the naked eye.
toxic mother tricky at times. The word toxic mother has power over us.
After two abortions in the hungry 90s, I could not get pregnant, and finally after 14 years of marriage at the age of 39 pregnancy. Yay! happiness!
In her sixth month of pregnancy, the mother ordered a strict voice to gather the ripened currants. And the horror that I thought it was normal. I belly, with complicated pregnancy in 30 degree heat obediently sat under a Bush to pick berries. The situation was saved by her husband. He grew up in front of me with an ax in his hand and said:
If you don't get up immediately, I cut down all the bushes on the plot, because you have no mind.
the Argument was convincing. I stood up.
But I really lacked the mind Toxic mother really changes our reality. And these are not interfacing hurt as much.
Or as I told a friend, mother come to her housewarming said.
- Gal, what you have a huge Studio apartment, and Olga (the younger), huddled in the corners.
And Oli four-room renovated, I saw it myself.
What to do with it?
first, disobey, understand that this is a sore reality, a delusion.
of Course to limit communication to the essential, as neighbors in the communal apartment.
No contact if You do not have emotional balance (You're worried or upset, or something happened)
a Clear understanding that it will not change, and her love and care not to, that it is not healthy.
In psychology this is described as love, just very twisted. About as legless handed over to a sprint. As they say - lubimka, organ or location in the soul that love has not grown. I.e. what we call a handicapped person who has no body or part of it. Just not the expert is not visible.
Yes, to be thankful soul, for the good that was. Couldn'T be, otherwise You would have been in the asylum, and not read the posts on this site, that in itself says that YOU are on the road to recovery. But I think that to Express gratitude is dangerous.
And, Yes, to rationalize, to get to the reasons why this happened to her. In my opinion the understanding that there are objective reasons, much rather be free from feelings of guilt and self-flagellation that I am not the same than a simple renunciation of the mother and the mark upon it.
And, Yes, a certain emotional detachment, as respect for other people's hard luck.
And now the question which worries me is the extent to which toxic mother is responsible for their actions? Yes, she had a crash, through no fault of her reasons. Criminals also a program crash. And the mentally ill too.
And my view on that is.
State and others recognize toxic mothers sane. A sane person is obliged to take care of your health, both physical and mental. The mother seeing that there are problems in the relationship with the child is obliged to go to counseling, and perhaps to different psychologists. A reluctance to change, work on yourself nothing more than laziness. In my childhood our claim to the mother all the time I heard "Love me such what is," And I for this phrase hated her. Scott peck and contrasted the love of laziness. Do not get tired to wonder at the accuracy of people's expressions. It's about that case – "Sick and is not treated". And obliged to take care of your health.