1.Why are we so eager in relationships and why we avoid loneliness? What so attracts us? What I want to achieve them?
For most of us (I exclude most enlightened friends) is the ability to feel loved, valuable, important. It is a way to feel that you are important or necessary for Another. Sometimes for brief moments of the feeling of importance and value we pay years of frustration, pain, tears. But still continue to stay in relationships, hoping to experience again the old feelings.
In this need to obtain from the partner the love, attention, recognition, lies one danger. If a partner, for whatever reason, ceases to serve our interests, then we lose support and begin to fall into the abyss of fear, abandonment, insecurity, meaninglessness, helplessness. And as the only salvation we see or the ability to cling to the former partner, or find a new one. Only this helps us to gain ground. The loss of a partner leads to the loss itself. This difficult situation is unbearable and we come up with a bunch of ways to avoid it: improve your mind and body, trying to meet expectations, manipulating, blackmailing, called pity, sits on guilt. Ie carefully run away from danger, instead of having to ask myself the first important question: "What I want from another of what must want from you?"
2. During love, we are surprised at how we are similar with your partner. When the glasses lose their intense pink color and become transparent, we are surprised to find faults with our partner and amazed that I had not noticed before. Depending on the scope of identified deficiencies, we either send him to the dustbin of history or continue to build relationships. But that's not all.
Sometimes we get stuck in this point of knowledge of yourself and your partner. Our difference so frightens us that we cease to be placed in a relationship of their desires and needs, carefully preventing the partner to Express their desires, blackmailing him punitive sanctions. Relations frozen, no longer updated, becoming a monument to the "good relations".Our desire to frighten us into a sense of shame, turn guilt, we freeze them, try to become comfortable, not delivering a hassle creatures. But the needs and desires continue to live, to demand the manifestation of a variety of ways: the emergence of a "third" in the partnership varied according to disease. And here is the time to ask yourself the second important question: "What do I have to accept to let the person I love, to be who he is?"
3. Participating in relationships, we are committed to providing them love, care, tenderness, understanding, acceptance. Cutting off feelings such as: anger, irritation, disappointment, shame, boredom, resentment. Ignoring the "shadow" side of the relationship, we begin to live in a beautiful picture, full of control and manipulation. Put a lot of energy to keep the status quo, carefully filtered feelings and emotions that we make in relationship. Focus our attention on the kids, work, and health ( or rather illness) to avoid contact with the topic of partnership, where there is lots of tension due to unexpressed feelings. The voltage that can be discharged, if the answer to the third question: "What are your feelings, I do not place in a relationship? What stops me? If I'm ready to take the risk of expressing yourself?" Not the most convenient and simple questions. But sometimes, as a medicine during illness, they are necessary.
sincerely, Yulia Minakova.
Love yourself and your loved ones.
P. S. the Questions I suggested George. Hollis in his book "Create your life".