This joint article with Demyanenko Tatiana, who was born according to the results of our workshop.
T: Almost three weeks have passed since our workshop with Natasha and began to prepare it a few months ago. And the experience through which a feeling comes to its implementation, was obtained several years, or even decades ago. The tree, whose seeds were sown long ago, has grown up and it's time to collect his fruit. The fruits of experience and giving that experience meaning. This article will be devoted to this process.
N.: I don't even know the fruits of it already or starred another layer of crust, which made it possible to usurp another piece of their own feelings and ways of interacting with people. This is truly the meanings revealed by the waves of the finish. For me, perhaps the most valuable find was the discovery of a barely perceptible point within itself, upon which, provided that enough resource not to fall inward is the awareness of the value of the partner, it is possible to move towards the other and to preserve visibility, and relationship as a couple, even if you have the third.
T: For me, opened the other pole of what Natasha says: the true answer myself in case when I don't want to move more into the relationship. Want to stop. At this particular moment. Or this particular man. When the speed is too large, so I could see their actual willingness or unwillingness, I have a right to pause. And at the same time to afford to have these delays partner to go on his own speed. Sometimes, I in such a hurry that it looks very assertive and aggressive, my energy on the one hand so many that will suffice for two, and on the other - second is not very necessary in this mechanism. And the third may occur as the protection of the second from my own zeal, sometimes almost suicidal. The higher the speed, the faster flashes landscape relations, innovation, need to constantly be included to many sudden movements allows you to ignore chronic stress, dissatisfaction accumulated anger. I stop and picture that, look like the relationship is now truly frightening.... But you can see it is the only way to “draw” otherwise.
N.:Very responds...and it looks like it's not about the pole...the Discovery of this inner fulcrum is precisely at the moment focusing on themselves, which occurs as a consequence of living a tiny gap in the triangle at the moment when HERE and NOW the partner has chosen not me, but another/another//craze... And just if you can not escape this moment, to recognize, to live all the pain and the horror, the rage from the gap in this moment, to accept the powerlessness, the next step what is written in Tanya: attention to yourself and the opportunity to BE the one.
T: Here I have to mention the words of one participant, said at the end of the workshop: “it was n-th year of separation from my mom...” the theme of the relationship awakens our childhood experiences where we were left when we really were not yet ready. Where loneliness is a synonym of death. The nursery education at Spock, my mom's depression or just extreme exhaustion from trying to juggle family, work and policies of the party. Few of us who have no experience of abandonment in an age when we absolutely were not ready. Or the other side of the coin: the growing child, active and curious developing world, which is neither a step to let go of mom. Getting into a own experience of abandonment (and the first post-war generation it was even more) the mother is afraid to be alone, and the baby saves her from loneliness. For the sake of being United with him, she actively scares him.
the surrounding world in which he cannot live without her, when in fact he has long been ready. From this there are different strategies of behavior in the triangle: quick to approach and cling tightly, and the third is needed in case the second abruptly disappear (as did mom) or between the third and second to avoid the excessive proximity, rather to the merger, which existed in the first and most important relationship.
N.: Yeah a lot of variants, including the choice of the pair, is a partner to, projecting onto her parent figures, to try all taki to win the competition with one parent for the other. When the important is the victory itself, not the relationship, not the person in front. And then, as the birth times of the value itself, just a fact of life on earth (which may not be available) occurs at the point of desperation with the awareness of wanting to be a drain hole other relationships. When at last quiet and peaceful sounds from the inside: “I mean, even if You don't.” And that desperation gives the resource to risk to withstand the voltage in the pair. And what comes out a couple of triangle?
T: As shown by the workshop, the most vivid emotions in triangles appear when great need close and at the same time in a limited ability to make closeness. The desire to be noticed and at the same time fear, even terror to be seen throwing in the relationship from a very far distance, which is difficult to discern details, to the almost total absence of this distance, where the other can be recognized solely on the touch. It was then that the need for intimacy can sexualityrelated, but still not to satisfy.
We did a workshop and was looking for such a distance between them. Met with different feelings, often not the most pleasant, but the possibility to be in conflict, in my opinion, allowed us to notice and begin to accept our difference, in which “healed” in this topic. A joint fruit that appeared after the two had seen each other.
N.: Yes, having lived our own triangle, honestly, we have been able to carry this child workshop. And our relationship became not that closer, but somehow less strained, more relaxed joy and pleasure. There is an opportunity not to curtail their real feelings in the moment, and to exercise, but looking carefully to the perception of the partner form. Thank you Tanya for what You are, and to all participants: still standing in front of the eyes of some of the gestures, phrases, eye....