"Ты что, обиделась?"

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Insults at each other, which often happens in paired relationship, mutual resentment prevent to live together amicably and harmoniously, at once or gradually, quickly or slowly, but they destroy relationships.

the Chilean psychoanalyst Ignacio matte Blanco has written extensively on the human perception of justice and injustice. The experience that I have done wrong - a specific person or the world in General, can lead to the distress, depression, resentment...

the Offense is, in particular, the reaction to the experience of injustice from another person. According to matte Blanco, the therapist engages in helping his client (patient) to experience and live their grievances, to evaluate their sense of injustice, in the end is to change your attitude towards justice-injustice, to the idea that the world is unfair to me.

so, the other person, let's say that our partner, husband, favorite person did something that violated our sense of justice, we believe that should not he to do so. Reaction - resentment.

At this point, our offense becomes an attempt to adjust the behavior of the partner. We wish he did not do so in the future - not saying hurtful words, not criticize us, etc. Usually, instead of having to tell the person about it directly - we are offended: stop, turn, leave.

of Course, acting is not all. People are more temperamental may behave aggressively - shouting, etc. is Also not the most efficient way of gaining consent.

to Demonstrate their resentment to the partner can be attributed to one of the manifestations of the so-called passive aggression. The purpose of the demonstration of his resentment (of course, usually the goal we are not aware of directly) is to make the other person feel guilt, make excuses, and ultimately to change their behaviour, stop to do things for us, unacceptable or simply unpleasant.


the only Problem is that the partner does not always notice our attempts to show him his offense. For example, left wondering, what happened to You? Perhaps You feel ill or have trouble at work. Finally, he has a suggestion - are you sulking? No, - I answered You - that for me to hurt you.

His confusion increases. In the end, have Your strange behaviour may cause the response of the offense or aggression. The situation is only getting worse.

to be Offended, to demonstrate the offense is not the most efficient way to regulate your relationship with your partner. Perhaps this method was effective when in their childhood. As a child, when in response to something You "inflated" showing all your relatives that You are offended, some of them definitely came up and asked what happened. And either disassemble Your conflict with another child, or somehow comforting. But since then much has changed. Now this method no longer works, or works, but are ineffective and perhaps even destructive, harming Your relationship.

Resentment, and aggression - not the best ways of building Your current adult relationships. What should I do? How to respond to those situations that you look unacceptable to You the behavior of a partner?

Not to be offended? Unfortunately, it doesn't work. Resentment is an emotion we can't control emotions directly. An attempt (conscious or unconscious) emotion to block, to suppress the resentment just leads to the negative consequences, which we talked about the experience of injustice, deterioration of our emotional state, ultimately to serious conflicts with your partner or (if we go deeper and deeper driving offense in itself), even to psychosomatic disorders.

So what to do? To talk. To inform the partner about their feelings and experiences, preferably not aggressive (so it is not closed from Your too strong emotions and has not ceased to perceive the information). And it is desirable to do immediately or after a short time, not to carry grudges for a long time.

This method does not necessarily immediately begin to work on improving your relationship with your partner. At first, especially if the style of your own does not imply anything of the kind, Your desire to talk about their feelings, discuss them, may cause the partner to surprise and rejection.

it Is necessary to explain to him why You did it and what the alternative pronunciation and discussion of negative feelings, including resentment are Your with it the conflicts, the deterioration of the atmosphere in the family. If Your partner committed to improving your relationships, understanding, he is, after all, for responding and to discuss how to live together, respecting each other, listening to the feelings and needs of the partner.

Maybe completely get rid of the offense will never be possible. But at least You will be able to reduce their degrees, will begin to resent each other less and less, will move toward mutual understanding, harmonious and trusting relationships with each other.

Maxime, France
2018-07-10
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