In came a client with a request:"I'm not such a worthless, stupid, do not know how correctly to do, many do not understand, decisions always take are not correct, 've had in my life. And man I time their behavior upsetting. I don't know how to understand him and support when he needs how to do it right woman... etc"
there was so Much in her request of self-deprecation and devaluation of herself, and she said it as if quoting someone's words. And I allowed myself to assume "where the wind blows", and in the process we are talking about emotional abuse in her relationship.
About the problem of violence and the manipulation of others in our culture don't speak. We are not talking about the physical, psychological and moral violence, manipulation by the partner in the relationship men and women.
the Term "abuse" appeared relatively recently and represents the moral abuse of loved ones. This can be called psychological sadism, when towards the close demonstrates the brutality of disrespect and disregard for the interests and needs of the partner, indifference and humiliation. And criticism of their actions the aggressor no!
Like almost every rapist abuser, a manipulator, a sociopath, a narcissist is an insecure man or a man with broken, injured personal organization. He tries to compensate his insecurity and emotional damage due to total control and suppression of the will, desires, and even thoughts of another person. Manipulation of the other person's feelings, to prove their worth.
most Often the role of a rapist act men, and at risk are women and children.
Life is such a person: "you belong to me You must do everything as I say, you have to think like I think and nothing else! For your opinion nobody asked your feelings and thoughts are not important, stupid! If you don't agree, you're against me! You will be punished!"
How to understand that you live with an emotional abuser?
1. If your partner is always right, and you are always to blame.
He will never take responsibility for their words or for their actions if it was a mistake or failure, and would never admit it. That's all you did, it happened because of you.
"It's not me!", "It's you", "I did it because you forced me!", "It happened in response to your wrong actions", "You started it", "You, too", "you", "you made me hard". "It's because I have you this has become a"... etc . Wine will always be shifted exclusively to you. Pathological jealousy, and the events of the past in their fantasies convict you of unrealistic events and even the thoughts, forcing you to feel guilt and shame for what you do.
2. It really hurts you but does not feel guilt, accusing you of stupidity.
Actually, he meant something quite different, and you got it all wrong. He will say either "it was nothing" what you're saying, or – "you've got it in your sick head is born and you need to treat the brain," or calmly say with smile: "it was a joke, did you not understand?". "That's all you're exaggerating the situation, this is all you spoil the atmosphere in a relationship with me, you're just sick in the head!". And he only does that suffer you so hysterical and loves you very much, and is willing to do much to help you recover.
And he never apologizes!
3. It devalues you.
Devalues your knowledge, skills, and your views, experience, professional value, success, etc. All your ideas are stupid, your reasoning is nonsense, all of your senses – a whim. It triggers you have a sense of guilt with his accusations. He does everything to your self-esteem decreased. He provokes you to negative feelings and achieving your reaction calms down and holds you in a descent.
Abuser after an argument pointedly ignores you or is silent. He is "ignoring you", not responding to questions and ignores attempts to talk. Not what to say here. To be silent means not to feel obligated to answer, to discuss. It can afford only one who is the main and important thing in a relationship.
such people Have no capacity for empathy (i.e. empathy), no empathy, attention to the feelings of the partner. These relationships paired quickly become formal, artificial, unfeeling.
And after a while you begin to question within themselves: "what if he's right? And what really with me something wrong, I was some worthless, Nedelina, not smart, and he is so right, good and loving to me and all in a good cause?"
All this is happening from day to day, gradually, measured in waves: the charge – the depreciation you indulgence and forgiveness on his part. You live in a swing, you are dependent on his mood, behavior, external circumstances. You are in constant doubt and anxiety – was I right? Please you? Are you pleased with me?
Only you personally no, your desires, your needs and feelings. People get used to violence and could recover only when the pressure on the psyche is impossible to ignore, lost his self doubt, the humiliation of dignity.
as Soon as I realized he was a victim of psychological manipulation, a person can think about the prospects of such a not healthy relationship. And someone takes this scenario of life and continues to be in such a relationship, saying goodbye to their self-esteem, self-worth and losing your true self And someone starts to defend themselves, will just have to regain their I, their adequacy and self-respect, and finds the strength to break off such a toxic relationship.
Often need the support of a psychologist and psychotherapist to be aware of what's going on in your life, what kind of relationship, who am I in this relationship, what I need?
Victims of emotional violence in the family and then a long fall to recover, work on yourself, bringing his Ya And it's a long process – the process of returning to himself.