the Ability to say no ability to refuse – a sign of confidence, respect and self-love.
He who now finds herself unable to abandon unneeded suggestions, applicants personal interests, spend your time on absolutely not necessary to it business, travel or buy useless things.
What are the reasons for this behavior?
the Desire to be good, desired, loved. It stands for fear of rejection. It seems to us that if we don't all agree, then we will not treat with us no longer communicate. Particularly acute is experienced in relationships with significant and loved ones. The roots of this fear go back to childhood, when a small child was formed setting: love me till I good. Remember: GOOD PEOPLE don'T LIKE USING THEM!
Fear of punishment, the aggression in his address. Also from the childhood. You can be punished in two ways: active aggression against the failed (threats, ridicule, beatings) or passive (ignore the insults, grabbing your heart, "look what you've done to mother!"). Somehow there is a perception that the child is subhuman. It is still small, does not understand and does not have a right to their opinion, including failures.Parents, remember: IF YOUR CHILD is ABLE to SAY "NO" to YOU, HE will be ABLE to SAY "NO" AND OTHER ADULTS: PEDOPHILES, RAPISTS, DRUG dealers, Etc.!
Illusion: "If I help other people, even to the detriment of themselves, they must help me in return. And if I refuse – I refuse". On the one hand, a manipulative attempt to buy the love and the location of another person, the desire to put it in dependence. Even in the latter reproach him that you do so much for him, and he is an ungrateful bastard. And then be offended, manipulating with guilt. On the other – the lack of healthy skills calm and respectful to take someone else's failure.Remember: the OTHER PERSON IS a FREE PERSON LIKE YOU. HE HAS THE RIGHT TO REFUSE IN THE SAME WAY AS YOU!
How to say "no". Practical suggestion.
Take a pause. If you are confident in your decision to refuse or not feel in the moment, determined to say no, say: "I need to think", "it's inconvenient to talk, let's talk later", "I'm not ready to answer at once." If the reaction of the interlocutor aggressive if you persistently trying to rush with the answer – most likely, you are being manipulated.do not promise him. The phrase "well, I think", "I'll try to help", "possible" can be interpreted by the interlocutor as consent. If you subsequently give up – you will pass for an unreliable person.Ask questions to be sure that You understand what You are asking. To ask questions is one way to answer: what, how, where, when, why, how much.If mentally you are willing to accept – ask yourself questions: why do I need it? that makes me feel? do I really want?Be strong when you are going to say "no". Never begin a refusal with an apology, because it shows your insecurities. Words must be accompanied by a direct gaze, firm enough voice, and lack of fuss. The failure should be understood as a refusal and not as feminine coquetry or an attempt to hide in the bushes. One must understand that the decision was made, and this topic is to say it makes no sense. Here's a great example – dialog Shvonder and Professor Preobrazhensky from Bulgakov's novel "heart of a Dog":- Buy magazines in support of the children of Germany.
- do Not want.
- You do not sympathize with children of Germany?
- Children sympathize and magazines do not want to buy.
- Professor, You don't like the proletariat?
- Yes, I do not like the proletariat.
Learn how to refuse nicely. "THREE-STEP MODEL OF FAILURE".
1 step. Confirm that you understood the request, for example: "Yes, you really need ..., I can understand your difficulties."
step 2. Refuse, citing reasons. They should be short and directly relevant to the matter, for example: "I can't help you (to borrow money, to make a report) ..., because...".
3 step. Let people understand that the conversation is finished directly saying "no." Finish the sentence: "so no."
