Установление личных границ с другими

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every state has borders that separate it from another state. And each state itself establishes the laws of his country, decides who can cross the border (if it does not harm the state) and who can't. Who is responsible for the establishment of state borders? Only the state itself, not the surrounding neighbors.
What is borderline personality?
This is what separates us from others, that shows that our and what is not, is Your personal space: a set of principles, rules and values that you consider normal for yourself.
Boundaries define us and the boundary line defines where the end of the "I" and start "Not me."
Understanding this gives man the freedom of boundaries I can do whatever I want, take responsibility for my life opens up many options.
Boundaries to show us for what we are and what is the area of our responsibility.
Boundaries of identity begin to form in early childhood.
If the life and development of the child are in a family where it didn't respect his personality, was his opinion and not allowed openly to Express their needs, the formation of the boundaries of the individual disturbed.
Many relationship problems begin with the trespass. And this is happening in part to the fact that the borders are not sufficiently indicated.
there are several types of personal boundaries:
Closed (walls) - people closed to all, does not let anyone into his life and he does not leave, does not trust anyone. Walls, and the outside - flowers: very polite, all smiles, masking it behind a smile of indifference and no contact. Talks like a radio, that speaks, but nobody listens, others did not interest him.
Dirty – it is not clear where they are. Such a person will not guess what is and what is not.
Election of against one is, and the other not. (Friends warn of his visit, and mom – not).
No boundaries – the man has no idea what boundaries should be. They do not respect anyone's boundaries(come when you want, take other people's things, burst into other people's time, stay as long as you want: I crash with you for a bit). And did not react, what their boundaries are violated.
Aggressive man as the tank, respects its borders, but the borders of other breaks (criticizes others, but criticism can not stand.)
Healthy - border expressive, you know where it is. A person communicates with people he likes (he opens for them the gate and let in his life), and for those with whom he does not want to communicate, the barrier closes. And within his life, the man himself sets the laws and rules, decides how to live, what their values are, what he should/ should not do, is to make decisions and responsible for them. Healthy boundaries are flexible.
How can I recognize that our boundaries have been violated?
- Someone thinks he knows better than us how to live, to do what is best for us (you don't have, you can't do that; to do so, you can't think, etc.)
- Give advice when not asked (I would in your place... I had to tell him..., I know better what's right for you..., you don't have to forgive him)
- Appreciate the actions and words (What nonsense! What the hell are you talking about?! You acted like a fool!)
- Provide psychological violence (Who needs you! What would you do without me?! It's time for you to go on a diet/go to the gym, etc.)
In everyday life is reflected in the fact that friends can come unexpectedly and when You are trying to say that You have other plans, don't pay attention to it (okay, then help the child with homework/ write coursework, etc., you don't appreciate our friendship, so great!), or partner is reading your PERSONAL correspondence, or mother, who believes that first You have to work at HER summer cottage (And who will help me? although the presence of a suburban area it is her choice), and then spending time with her husband and children.
a Person whose boundaries are violated may experience a feeling of discomfort, fear, anger, blame myself that I succumbed to the entreaties, try next time to be more solid.
Signs that Your boundaries are violated:
  • Doing something because "so accepted", "does a good mother/daughter/wife."
  • Try to conform to social stereotypes: that everyone should be thin, athletic, the perfect hostess, the brave mothers, sexy and always happy all the time.
  • tedious to say "No" they have a lump in my throat because they are afraid that they will be offended, will leave, to condemn, to seem selfish.
  • Believe that their relatives have psychic abilities themselves must guess their desires.
  • Confidence, happiness, feelings and well-being of others depends on them.
  • Consider the needs of others more important than themselves.
  • can't ask for help out of fear that they will be denied or deems annoying.
  • Give in to pressure from other people.
How can we set a boundary with other people?
If you have problems with the boundaries, then don't blame others, because You are not to make clear the boundaries of your personal space, You allow to invade it, without consequences, and You will instead, be honest about your rules/feelings/needs, mumbled something, and scolded myself.
Sometimes to set boundaries, the person begins to restrict others, but it's impossible. All You can do is to limit your own openness to people who do you wrong, rude or disrespectful. Not in Your power to get them to change.
If you do not like it, honestly to say about it and not hold grudges.
And there is such a thing as assertive behavior, which is based on respect for themselves and others that "I am good, you – good. I'm okay, you're right."
Light Petrochenkova
2018-10-01
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