Thinking about the relationship with elderly parents.

Today came: to conduct a live interview with reflections on how we communicate with elderly parents! It live ! not an article, not a video , but so "here and now" . I thought : Oh! No! I'm afraid of. This is the debut ( I'm live). This theme , which is not really accepted to speak in society and the theme of death....

And I realized : Yes, live. Yes. Hard. Yes. Necessary. Me . And not only. Done!

Well, of course, was born article.

an old, old, infirm parents ... as a rule, relationships with adult children are reduced to necessary medical care, clean-cook-wash –feed. And usually all of this with some irritation, discontent, and often anger open. Then blame ourselves, feel guilty ... and angry again.

"Traditionally, old age is perceived as an age of sadness, of loss, of yearning and suffering pain from mental and physical weakness, feelings of loneliness and uselessness. At the same time, gerontopsychology, considering old age as the age of development, indicate significant differences in the way individual signs of aging, makes it impossible to unequivocally set the age limit between maturity and old age. The fact that age is all different, indicates that sorrow and grief – not only the destiny of the age, and extinction is not the only way to change."( Ermolaeva M. V. Features of subjectivity of the person in old age / mV Ermolaeva // proc. the third Russian conference. on environmental psychology. – M., 2003)

Yes, indeed, there are many theories of aging, we can talk about active aging and longevity . I'm not about that. I mean, there comes a time, X hours and there is no longer an active old age , but you are feeble old man , your parent. Is his poor physical health, feeling himself a burden , a feeling of being unnecessary, is his whining and complaining and they sometimes 24/7 , there are endless stories about one and the same , there is stubbornness and aggression of your elderly parent. And we –the adult children are lost. We are angry, " Well what's he complaining about ? Clean, well maintained, looked after. What does he want ?" And he (the old parent ) want what any human communication.

who and what we often get angry in relationships with older parents? Partly at them, partly at myself.

parents : Well, you mom/dad!!!! Well, you always knew/know what to do!!!! You decide everything !!!! WELL, it can't be, what would you like that, no way !!! You're ..... And, here, perfectly ! You again good, adequate ....Oh, no! Not that you're once again a child ! You, not me !!!! How so!!???

For myself : I must not get angry at the parents. It is the parents. Well, they're old ! Oh, no ! I'm just afraid. I'm afraid that will not cope. Can't, won't. How do I then live ? They do not understand that I'm scared?! Hang in there, no pain. You have a lot of things later . You don't understand ? And to watch you squirm , I can't. Yes. I'm angry that I'm not omnipotent . My capabilities are not limitless. And perhaps most importantly, I'm angry at myself for my fears....

I think if adult child relationship with their old parents will be able to admit their fears will be able to talk about it with loved ones, a professional, with the very parent who is also experiencing the fears, the anxiety level on both sides will decrease. Stop growing resentment and claims, and the remaining time can be filled with other experiences and quality of life. Perhaps the worst fear for adult children , caring parents go to the front we were their adults children. There is already a grandmothers/grandfathers, mothers/dads and in front of the gate of transition into the other world up we already. Maybe the awareness of this responsibility scares us , maybe we are afraid that the recognition of his own mortality inevitably the question arises, how I lived ? And where I live? Did? What kind of person am I? And it is possible that we have no answers to these questions, we thought we had plenty of time ahead of angry parents, because they do not want and can give us more time.

And what to do with all these feelings? Perhaps there is no universal recipe. Maybe start by telling yourself about your fears, think about what is valuable. Accept that you will lose when you will not become parents. What will lose ?

And while parents are alive, try them to adopt . Yes. You swap places. And then a little easier to accept their inability to have neat food hygiene . After all, when a small child learns to hold a spoon , we are patient and caring with him. And lenient to his failings. As an old parent too learn . HE learns to adapt to his different. And when we adopt their elderly parents may reduce the level of our anxiety and irritability, because it is pointless to be offended by kids ! Just love them and forgive them their antics! And yet, perhaps, we will have the hope that when it's our time , we also adopt and forgive !

hope ( in terms of positive psychotherapy N. Pezeshkian) is the ability to anticipate/expect a certain development of the situation in the future, thereby imparting meaning and value to events and activities of the present.