everything in this world has a story and every person is the bearer of its past, in particular, not only in the form of facts as such, but mainly:
- in the memory of the early emotional ties with significant others, usually parents (and this, in turn, substantially affects the type of emotional attachment we form in relationships with others how to build relationships and how satisfying can our relationship be healthy if these relationships 2 adults, Mature people, or is it the relationship between the dependent or co-dependent 2-infantile adults)
- in the form of feelings of satisfaction and acceptance on the part of relatives or, conversely, frustration (affects the formation of healthy narcissism, i.e. self esteem)
- in the form of parental attitudes and messages, conscious and unconscious (which may help, and severely limit self-realization and the development of vital human capacities)
- in the form of patterns (scenarios) behavior and responses to various life situations
- in the form of emotional trauma (let me remind you that according to the opening CFreud, the human psyche is arranged so that the person busily trying to reproduce a painful situation to again and again to try to deal with it – it can be damaging to human life, so it's best if these injuries as much as possible).
Our past shapes our identity and our self-esteem in the present. Our past determines what and how we choose (partner, profession, activity, etc.): why, of all coincidences, we choose one or the other. As my esteemed colleague and Teacher: "Meeting with someone can be accidental, but the choice of the person – not happened". Whether you like it or not, the past affects you. And the more you deny this fact or to displace it, the greater the impact it is having on you. Perhaps there are things that you in your history is not really like that cause unpleasant feelings (e.g., guilt, shame, resentment, sadness), decrease self esteem and so you try different ways from this knowledge about yourself to escape (to escape from unpleasant feelings). I.e. there is a tendency to neurosis.
After all, what is neurosis? is when the person himself is lying about himself, unconsciously for the most part, of course. It's not the best, but there are people who, because of their ignorance with pride declare: "I'm OCD!", keeping in mind in fact, their need for narcissistic fulfillment, the desire of attention and care from other people.
And sometimes I hear this question: "Why dig up the past?" or, for example, such argument words of the famous philosopher Jean-Paul Sartre: "it's not what made me, and what I did that made me.", like the last, excludes the awareness of itself, its past history and yet its influence on us in the present.
Or, my client says: "... again, the cat's tail pull...", trying to dissociate (separate) themselves from their past. Yes, it can be quite painful – sometimes to return to the past, but remember the metaphor about the surgeon to cure the patient, we have him to hurt when the anesthesia not. For consciousness there is no anesthesia and I think can not be determined.
it is a human tendency to avoid suffering and that's fine. However, okay to grieve. Grief is one of the important senses (along with joy and fear). Spartans were raised in a minor key (sad) music. As I said in my previous article, the mountain is a healthy process which helps to get rid of a painful past and move on to live full and bright life.
Yes, we can create your personal narrative, i.e. the narrative of his personal story to all of it for us looked beautiful and coherent – it may solve the problem in the near future, but in the long run it doesn't work. In addition, the "Apple from the Apple does not fall far" and its traumatic history, we can easily convey to the next generation in the form of appropriate patterns of behavior.
So, in my opinion, it is not necessary to stay in the cobwebs of the past. As you know, reading books has no cure. Without the presence of a psychologist who takes into account a person's past and can see his life's context, there is a great temptation to avoid one's own "holes" and slide down in the same repetitive life scenarios that do not bring satisfaction. Be generous to yourself and your children!