"В следующий раз берите молоток или бейсбольную биту". Пример из практики

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I would Like to tell about the experience of short term counselling on the topic of repressed aggression and shielding moralization in this context. But first, let's name some theoretical aspects.

As you know, aggressive tendencies are – at least – two types: constructive and destructive. If we're talking about first, such a feeling may improve the quality of life through involvement in productive activities (for example: "sports rage", the protection of personal boundaries, sublimation, etc.). When talking about destructive aggression, it is always destruction.

At the same time, aggressiveness as such is not always a literal expression. The man in the leg, by accident, trod on a hapless passer-by, do not have to respond with a blow to the liver (i.e., through the direct expression of anger). He can Express it and in a passive manner. And if to speak about examples of passive aggression, that is quite typical is the following situation.

a Young woman enters into a marriage with certain expectations, in particular that her husband is the perfect combination of the most wonderful feelings of unconditional love, of loyalty to "women's whims", confidence in the future and immense care. But all this is complemented by the fear of losing a loved one (for example, due to the death of his father), who was learned in the parental home. In combination, these two irrational installation can generate passive aggression. The mismatch of husband's inappropriate marital ideal wife, it will certainly cause, but fear of loss will make to clothe this feeling into something more indirect and hidden.

for Example, she can spend her husband's money beyond the agreed sums, "accidentally" breaking his favorite mug, to manipulate through insult or illness, more ironic, and so on. All this starts a vicious cycle of accumulation-suppress of destructive aggression.

Here I would like to note that this destructive interaction patterns (accumulation of passive aggression) is a constructive solution which we will discuss on the example of the example from my Advisory practice. In this case, the client used the moralization as protection against aggressive impulses.

now, I was contacted by a young woman, her situation was pretty typical and the story is as follows. "went Through a breakup with her husband, who had gone to my friend. I decided to forgive them and to wish happiness. But what is the case, they constantly appear in my life! If you want to show them how good, but I'm such a fool, left with nothing".

Based on this information, the query was difficult to determine. And I asked a number of questions: "What was the reason? What was the relationship? What was the conflict? What friend?".


Her answers were ordinary and somewhat formulaic, hence the reason for the call was quite different, though, and was directly associated with the specified history. She didn't want to get my husband back – no break she resigned. And soon I wondered "where did so much of moralizirovaniya?". Indeed, there was a lot of talk about what "it is their happiness," "probably, they have love... that happens sometimes, not fate."

after thirty minutes of dialogue, she decided to tell me his dream. Looking ahead, I will tell him something and was hiding the main reason of the call.

the Girl said that in her dream, she struggled to hit the other woman in the face. And it was (gasp!) in the eyes of its children. "It's a little too cruel," she said apologetically. And I, in turn, breathed a sigh of relief and reported that the naturalness of such desires, and advised, if necessary, next time, arm yourself with a hammer or a baseball bat meeting "flirt" in the vastness of the imagination.
specifically, I said something like, "it is the mood that manifested itself during sleep, it is understandable. You are betrayed, however, for you there is a certain moral code and it is this that such an act can easily be forgiven or justified. But you can't just throw our sense of psychic reality. Even if the "forget about it" – it will storm the consciousness through dreams or in some indirect way. You know? It's completely natural, when you get mad at the person who took your husband, and, on the contrary, unnatural, when you justify this act of morality. And the essence of all this is: just enjoy your imaginary revenge. With this, you haven't done anything! No guilt."

At the other end of the tube was heard a deep sigh and the phrase "... you know, strange... and to be honest, for me it's seems like... there, in the dream." At this point, she seems shyly smiled, but I was happy with the work.

Thus have normalized feelings of aggression. Very questionable feelings in modern society, it is customary to condemn and reject. It always want to distort or "throw a switch", however, with proper treatment it can be extremely useful. Aggression – like a nuclear power plant. If you overdo it, it can be repeated April 26, 1986, however, when safety, the winter will be warm.

as for the itself history, then it clearly shows us a very important resource of a healthy personality – imagination. But how much trouble is due to the fact that the man puts a sign of equality between the sense (thought) and action and how many conflicts can be settled, if this is not done.

the counseling Psychologist, George Solodovnikov.
Phone, 8-908-583-43-51

George Solodovnikov
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