In the minds of many have a belief that we must be consistent, saying "Yes," you have no right to say "no."
And this desire to be consistent often actively exploited in society: for example, in advertising, it is used by fraudsters and manipulators.
unfortunately, it can also be used on some trainings of personal growth (the Lifespring program, and others): if a member wants to leave before the end of the training, it is trying to stop the members of his groups: he have been calling, trying to persuade him to "keep his word" and so on, that is, he actively shows that he is not entitled to change his mind, what if he changed his mind, then it is "something wrong!".
the Ability to say no when want to say no - it's about the contact with yourself, with your desires.
the Ability to say no when you previously said Yes - it's about the right to be wrong: we are from childhood appreciate and get a negative rating when I'm wrong. While mistakes are natural, often learning something new: if you're afraid to make a mistake, it will prevent you to try new things, explore the world that you wonder what suits you - and it will interfere with you to search yourself and what you are close!
it is very difficult to determine if a particular kind of activity, if it has the interest, do not you never tried to do. There are agencies for vocational guidance, which allow you to spend days in the profession: for example, if you want to have your cafe allow you to work one day near the head of the cafe, to see what is in his day and has a much more consciously to make a choice: whether you want it or not, when you realize it is a paper and chat with the representatives of the authorities and not smile and being nice to visitors.
And if you don't allow yourself to change your mind: you will be very difficult to decide on something new, especially if there are doubts: doubts in the case of a new are almost always.
And here is a again and again not decided on brand new and there is a feeling that life is passing them by and then they had to change this, go to the personal growth training: it is proposed to choose something that is interesting, "catchy", and then not give the opportunity to "change your mind", that is, increase the conflict, not resolve it: the conflict is that to choose something that really pleases and excites - essential contact with yourself, with your desires and unwillingness, and when you are not allowed to change my mind - you lose this contact, so as to do something that you do not want - to move away from their reluctance.
I often meet people who do not know how to say "no", and either doing something against their will, or simply "disappear", i.e. out of contact.
Therefore, in therapy it is important to give the client the ability to change your mind and withdraw from therapy or group before it is finished, it is important to give experience to say "no" and get the answer is not rejection, but acceptance, support, even if it's "no" to the therapist.
this is one of the values of the rule of mandatory final meeting after the decision to leave the group or post-meeting consultation and the right to leave the group or out of therapy at any time.
in Fact, in this case, you can gain valuable experience support and acceptance, when you say: I don't want to continue our work - and this experience will help you in the future.
This experience will allow you in relationships outside the group just to say thank you, but I don't want/can't work/communicate, thank you for everything that happened between us.
it is very painful when people just disappear: it is always better to say: I'm mad at you or I do not fit - goodbye.
This will allow you to complete intercourse with other people from a position of mutual respect, in dignity!
After that you run out of contact or is that doing something contrary to their desires and values no dignity.
His acquaintance with psychology, I started with training: so I came on a three-day training to the well - known master and the training I have "not passed", the fact that the psychologist gave "did not come", and I continued to walk, exercise and so on.
And here in the middle of the first day calling me friend and offers to go somewhere and I say I can't, I'm at the training, and then call back and say no can, meet me there so much - and it was the first time I left before the completion of the training, and that was most of what I got on that training - I allowed myself not to participate in what I don't want to participate, even if I already paid money for it and the money I will not return.
At the same time, it is equally important not just disappear from the group, and openly communicate about the desire to go out and if there is gratitude to one of the participants, to thank for teamwork and to gratitude in his address.
And you know how to say "no", do you know how to say "no" when you already said Yes? If Yes, where and how learned: share your experience!
Author: psychologist Eugene Korchmarek
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