Sometimes I think that there are quite simple things that is understood by all people. But there are times, and I notice that my interlocutor knows nothing about it, or maybe not applied for some reason (but in this case we are talking about the request for a consultation). Then I remember what I am about these things once didn't know. And so I want to tell you about it and maybe you will be useful. So what I want to cover today?
"I — statements" and "I want".
There is a psychological term of "self-expression" - indicating the man saying about himself, in which he talks about his thoughts and feelings. It is important that "self-expression" begins with "I" ("I", "me"), not "you". The phrase beginning with "you" called "you-statement". "I — statements" is often used to prevent conflict and refer to their expectations.
Algorithm "I — statements"
to construct a phrase, you need to use the following schema:
I feel...., when...., I wish.....
for Example, a person with whom you should meet late. You can say, "you're late. And I've been waiting for you". Of course, you can tell this because you're angry, and waited for half an hour. But you can say: "I really get angry when I have to wait I wish that you would not be late next time... or warned about being late...".
Your relative promised to come at 18:00. And came at 20:00. You can say what comes to mind. Or: "I was worried when you didn't come home on time, and I want you to or came, as promised, or called and warned me about staying late."
This scheme can considerably simplify communication. Because it has no charges, it's hard to be offended. When using this technique it is important to remember that
- You are accused of. Ie expressing your feelings without lashing out at him, blaming him for everything that's happened.
- You do not generalize and do not broadcast the label. Ie, you are credited with the source quality, which it does not and never has been. "I get upset when I'm not listening and I beg you to hear me to the end, but it seems you can't and no wonder my mom talked about you... and I always knew you...".
- You do not offend. "I feel angry when you leave dirty dishes! I'm not over you, a pig to get out!".
- You don't Express your thoughts and emotions in a rude manner and not threatening. "I'm ready to kill you if you're not going to do...".
the Second part of his message I want to dedicate volition.
all of Us in childhood, saying phrases like: "but you never know what you want", "want, want", "if to ask him what he wants, he will only have candy", "why do you need another machine? You already have 34 pieces of home", "need to finish". And my favorite: "you know how much I want." But children up to some age, persistent people and insist on their desires. Then the parent, which somehow very ashamed of the child, it begins to "educate", Boo, yank and swear. As a result, at some point realizes that his desires are not very important. Often a person stops using these words: "want", "do not want". I often see people in response to a simple question about their desires to give abstract information, which does not answer the question about desires. Or start to use hints. The interlocutor, who needs to decrypt the hint, you may interpret it the wrong way. Or do not understand the idea.
of Course, for your honest and direct "I want" you can say no. But the fact your companion to Express their wishes in your case – make your own. In this case, it is easier to find a way out than simply to suffer in silence about the fact that the hints and winks were not understood.
Here can be difficult to decide what I really want. Why am I doing this and how it is formulated in chewing. For example, why am I offended or angry, and what I want.
I often see people who are offended, but did not say what.
I often see people waiting, remember you their "mate" on a certain date. And when "half" does not remember, there is a great reason to take offense.
Or the first person said something about their desires three days ago, and the second, three days later forgot about it. The first in turn is offended and suffers because of his desire forgotten.
all this you can solve you can solve "I-saying" or a message about their desires.
There are people who are convinced that their desires can not communicate. You can't say "I want" and then go and start doing it. Often these ideas are the result of a traumatic event. And if you really find it difficult to Express their desires and feelings, it would be good to work with. Independently or with the assistance of a specialist.