I think it's hard to find a person older than 16 years who at least once in my life been in love. Our relationship most often begins with love. And this is understandable. When we fall in love we feel on the seventh heaven from happiness. We want each other to care, to do nice things together. In love couple is looking for what unites them. They notice how similar to each other. In psychology this state of immersion in the United We call symbiosis or fusion. There is no difference, there is a "We" and "Us" in this well. The couple tries to spend more time together and the lovers promise each other that they would together forever. Thus, the pair prepares a Foundation in order to cope when their relationship starts to develop. There is even a book by the famous psychologist Skinner Robin "Family and how to survive", which is not hinted that a long idyll to live will not succeed. So, let's call the first love stage of a relationship.
after some time the couple, they had each other's company, begins to notice between them some differences. "And Vanya doesn't like to go to visit my parents" - may think, for example, the girl. And then the couple can make the choice to stay in a dysfunctional symbiotic relationship or to move on to the next stage of development – differentiation (differences). If a couple chooses to hold a symbiosis, they either start to avoid any conflicts because of the fear that the idyll can be broken, or on the contrary to actively interfere in the attempt to change your partner under your perfect picture in your head about "What should be the ideal relationship/partner." In any case, the partners either want to absorb the other, or themselves dissolved. In this case, each losing its identity and in fact ceases to be an intention of being. There is no me – there is an abstract "We". No needs and desires of each, have only averaged a common desire and one life. Not me...
So where did the circus go? Where did the love?
I think that love has done its job. She helped us to unite and to lay the Foundation for the development of relations. Now it's time to look and understand about what we are individually. It is only aware of its separateness and difference, the couple has the opportunity to build relations between these poles. Where there are only are ignored by powerful "We" - no air, no poles between which it is possible to create relations..
so, the lucky ones reached the stage of differentiation. But can they be called lucky? Stage differentiation is a stage of disillusionment. We may think, "How could he possibly vote for Putin?" And she, in turn, can be indignant: "He voted for Putin?!!" Or we can see what she wants in the theatre and he was on the football. Stage differentiation is a way of finding their identity and separately. This is the way the search for its uniqueness and originality. This requirement, in the end, his existential sense. At this stage a couple can be very difficult to accept his difference. As if the crumbling of their dream - "to die in one day." Often, the office partner, we might think that he doesn't love us anymore. Sometimes, when you try to do something separately (for example, to go with a friend in the movie) we can feel guilty. Usually, stage of differentiation ends, or slide into a merger and attempt to neutralize their differences, or awareness of our isolation. Host of its separateness partners are moving to the stage of training.
the learning phase is characterized by the fact that the partners learn to live independently. Now a lot of their energy goes to the society. They pay much attention to their own self-development and trying to understand their place in life. They were no longer bound by empathy to each other, on the contrary, they can become totally self-centered. At this stage, the partners recreate themselves as individuals. Conflicts may increase, because the pair may temporarily lose sight of the valuable things that unites them. During this period, it is very important to try to maintain an emotional connection with a partner, to protect common values. If the couple successfully passes the stage of training, it goes to the stage of establishing relations.
the phase relationship is that the partners have rehabilitated themselves as individuals. Now they can turn to each other and show more care. They can also let in your relationship with more intimacy and vulnerability. The proximity now, they are no longer so afraid of the threat of absorption in symbiosis. The partners appear more clear boundaries of "I" and "We." At this stage, the inner child of each of the partners ceases to seek in another the fulfillment of their expectations. Gradually a need and desire to care more about the partner. The relationship is more room for respect for one another, as taking their unique partners are the uniqueness and importance of the Other. Normal completion of the establishment of relations is the transition to the stage of interdependence.
At the stage of interdependence, we can see two well-integrated partners, firmly standing on their feet, who have established among themselves that satisfies both the relationship. They are not looking for more than in each other possibilities to get something. Their Union is most likely based on the development. They feel like their relationship developed and freely floating in a world of relationships while discovering new facets of their interpersonal contact and in each other. E. Bader singled out the following milestones of maturity of the partners,
I wonder, do you think, does love for life? Is it possible to fall in love at first sight? Would You like to die in one day? If You were not of Your partner, what would be Your life? Why You need a partner? What about the children? Are You satisfied with Your relationship? What would You like to change and have You talked to your partner about it? What was the happiest day in a relationship? The most miserable? The relationship is forever? What are You like in relationships and out of them? Relationships are all about two?.. Interesting questions, isn't it?
note: Above, I described only one of the theories of stages of development of relations in the pair. It may differ from Your worldview. I would also like to add that partners can be paired in different stages of development of relations. For example, one stage of symbiotic mergers, and the second stage of differentiation (awareness of differences). In this case there is an additional area of tension. E. Bader believes that the relationship can withstand the maximum differences only in two stages between the partners.