Every family psychologist, and not only family, will tell you that partner for a relationship each person is not accidental. And, of course, that doesn't always mean that the choice is made "from the head". No, most people don't sit and calculate what will be the future husband or wife. Although this happens at present, some authors, psychologists, and not only, write articles and notes about how to "correctly" choose a life partner. But, as I said, most people makes choices based on feelings, at the same time, this choice is not always random. He's unconscious, that's it.

Surely, most people somewhere have seen and read about what each of us has a comfort zone, to go beyond which is scary, and difficult, and embarrassing. This output is always accompanied by a vivid range of feelings. In matters of the heart a conventional comfort zone also exists. Where people learn about what should be the relationship? This knowledge he acquired in the parental family, there is formed the comfort zone, you can call it even some individual norm. It is the individual, because for another person, a third-party from this family it might not be the norm. For example, my father drinks, yells at her mother. For children growing up in this family it'll be an individual norm, it is not strange sounds outside the comfort zone. Comfort not because it's a very cool and satisfying, on the contrary, the child always suffers from this, but the norm and the comfort zone due to its familiarity. For a child family is the whole world. Many of my clients, telling about his childhood, talked about the fact that I was very surprised when he came to visit friends that everything is "otherwise". Mom is "not so angry", or opposite the "not so good", "talking with your child calmly and not shout" and so on. Therefore, everything that happens in the family, the child absorbs as the norm, adapts to it, learns in the family to survive. And then, growing up, no, he's not looking for a return, it is looking like. Quite unconsciously. And even those who say "I'll never be like a mother/father", "I'll never Have a family like my parents" fall into this trap of unconscious choice. And even if at first they think that they just chose the same one reliably say it will be at least 3-5 years or more after the start of the relationship. As the scenario relationships most often takes place after the stage of idealization.

One of them unconscious choice of a partner is the choice of the emotionally detached partner. If the family the child has not received the mother's and father's support and love, he tries to find it in someone else. Lovers always projected very much belonging in fact to the parents. For example, the girl dad is emotionally cold. Unconsciously she will try to find a similar partner, consciously - its opposite. In fact, it may be so: she is not spoiled male attention, as she has not received from the main men in his life, will overestimate the attention from men. Unfortunately, very often happens that these girls enough low self esteem and feeling of self-worth, they "cling" for anyone who's attention somehow in her direction shows. It seems men is in range of its internal rules, that is emotionally cold. And even if another plan is the men show your interest to attract as many clients say "light" can be only men, largely, although not at first glance, like her father. Any relationship, at some point, most often after the honeymoon period idealization of the partner is starting to cool down. It always happens for different reasons, the most common of them: he is not personally Mature, the same as his companion, so not able to give in a relationship, only able to take; originally this girl is superficially interested in her and the relationship, marriage has largely been at the initiative and so on. And then this girl is immersed in her reality, where she is suffering, she feels emotionally deprived, not loved. From women telling such stories can often hear: "I since childhood has not worked. Me no one ever loved, ever thought in his family will succeed, but no." The same stories are in men, they are no exception.No, it's not rock, and not fate, the unconscious is an individual norm, which is simply "dragged" from the family of the grandparents in mom and dad's, and then in your life and in your children and grandchildren and great-grandchildren. And if this personal rule not to change, to rethink a miracle will happen.

the Problem of emotional detachment, like any other psychological problem, you need to start to solve themselves, with their life stories and their blind spots. Thus, it is important to remember that the situation in the family creates with four hands. So after analyzing my thoughts, feelings and behavior, you need to understand what is happening with a partner, the contribution he brings to this relationship. It is also important to pay attention to the specific stage of your relationship, maybe it is "cooling" due to a family crisis or personal crisis of one of a pair, or two. Everyone needs to ask themselves questions about what "I do or don't do in order to partner behaved differently?". It's always hard to admit, but often enough people in a couple of "provoke" each other on an emotional coldness, for example, only demanding but not giving, or pressuring partner emotionally, or disrespectful to him. In turn, emotional coldness will be a kind of quiet revenge for the caused discomfort. It is also important to remember that looking for the cause in itself, it is important not to slip into a position of sacrifice and self-flagellation, this kind of look at yourself and your partner will not make any structural elements in your relationship.

"Youth Bulletin" №17 (6358) 17.08.2018