Good girls - they are good! And good boys, and that is better)
Sooner or later in the treatment of almost any man POPs up "shameful" history. In his childhood he certainly did something bad: naked women painted, wrote poems with the Mat, asked the girlfriend to undress and he himself undressed in front of her, spitting from the balcony on the heads of unsuspecting Parisians.
Suffering caused by memories of a shameful history, the stamp man stamp of internal shame: I'm terrible, once I do get the idea! And if the story still came to light, then it is generally colder. People suffering from of awareness of their own awfulness, shame burns inside the hole.
I recently disassembled a client with a similar story. In the method in which I work (EMDR), it is necessary to find a negative view of themselves, and then come up with the desired positive. So I ask:
-When you all remember and feel shame, what do you think about yourself?
-I think I'm vile!
-do I understand correctly that you have never, ever had the right to do bad things? You had to be a perfect girl?
-Yes, it turns out that I must be perfect!
Well, okay. What would you like to think of myself remembering this story, not to feel shame?
you Know what? - face client expressed a joyous Epiphany. – I want to think that I HAVE the RIGHT for a box with disgusting acts! Right! She's lying down in the far corner, no one will have access to it, but sometimes I will open it and go through all these things, knowing that as a child, had a right to them!
Listen, where did the idea that a child can ONLY be a good? I think there is a child-angel: without curiosity, shameful fantasies, without anger, a very brave and decent?)) A Real Good Boy. Real Good Girl? Well, Yes, Yes... many think so. Otherwise would not have come to therapy.
That's what I love about Tolstoy is his penetrating honesty. Here's a bit from "Childhood. Adolescence. Youth" - a description of the feelings of the child after his mother's death: "...Recalling now the impressions, I find that only this one moment of oblivion was a real grief. Before and after the funeral I never ceased to cry and was sad, but I'm ashamed to remember that sadness, because it is always mixed with some kind of proud feeling: the desire to show that I'm upset most of all, care about the action I make on the other, of aimless curiosity, which was forced to make observations on the bonnet Mimi and persons present. I despised myself for not experiencing only one feeling of sorrow and tried to conceal all others; from this my sorrow was insincere and unnatural. Moreover, I have experienced some pleasure in knowing that I'm not happy, tried to arouse the consciousness of unhappiness, and this egoistic feeling more than others drowned in me a true sorrow."
Here. A really good boy in this situation must be just heartbroken!
Let's really be honest: all of us not angels. From nature and little animals. And my children are not little.
there's an explanation. Well, maybe not everything, but this "bad" child actions precisely there.
Let's begin with Leo Tolstoy. Do you think all the thoughts and desires of that child is his own choice? Can we say that all these "selfish feelings" is a sign of his badness? No. All this spinning around in his head automatically, is the result of experience (the desire to look good), or natural curiosity.
From the nature of curious children do a lot of different things. These include sexual games of children, tearing the legs of insects, the excavations of the parent "secrets", the discharge of eggs from the balcony and other-other.
There is an explanation for child abuse committed in relation to peers, Junior or animals. Most often a transformation of the desire to "kill" the one who causes (caused) the child is suffering. When we are tortured (physically or mentally), we, of course, want revenge. But we can not have the right to hurt people depend on. So quite unconsciously, these feelings are transferred to those who are weaker and defenseless.
Men more than just survive their cowardly actions in childhood: ran away, not fought back... But thus the instinct of self-preservation: the reaction of "freeze" or "run" - natural to our reptilian brain (as we have it, for sure!)
Theft. Good girl stole a doll of her friend. Why? Her family lived very poorly. And how there's this urge to have something not given to you, you know?
by the Way, any theft is history every second. So, just so you know)
Well what else is there? Obscene poems, naked aunties/uncles? Exactly as challenging behavior may be the desire of a teenager to escape from the cage need to be perfect. When frame is too tight, the desire for freedom overflows.
Friends, people are not homogeneous. It consists of good and bad, good and evil: in the base set. I do not know where the Buddhas: they dumped tomatoes from my balcony and painted if naked women. They may not. And all the rest – Yes. I've definitely been dumped. Was very good girl: straight a student, pioneer, parents – decent people...
I'll swear in any therapy POPs up some kind of episode. All the kids are doing it. ALL.
because of its including of animal origin, we are all entitled to a box of disgusting actions.
I not saying we should all relax and give freedom to the dark sides of our personality. It is not necessary to swing the box in front of the amazed public. Do not boast of its contents. Hide, but know that you have a right to it.
be Aware that belief: "I must be perfect. Right from infancy" - is not realistic, puts us into shame, which does nothing good but eats us from the inside out.
the Effective result of our "bad" deeds: "I did it for this reason. I was too young and foolish. I fully realized that to do so is not worth it. I am a simple person, but I strive for the best in themselves. I develop qualities of a real Person. And what I did in my childhood in any way that does not interfere"!