Ah, the wedding, wedding! As romantic and poetic sounds this word. However, as practice shows, the wedding often turns out to be the fateful moment, which begins with the expense of showdown between the newly arrived family, the newlyweds and their parents on both sides. The reasons and occasions for this is more than enough: from the landing place of the parents and ending with the order of speeches speeches uncles and aunts, grandmothers and grandfathers.
In this article continue the article "wedding Gift: advance newlyweds" series of stories on the theme of conflict between relatives for wedding gifts. (The names of the characters and their ages changed for privacy reasons). I bring them to you and your family do not repeat the unfortunate mistakes and tragedies of others.
the Story of Natalia and Leonid.
Natalia is a 25 years old married his classmate Leonidas, he was 26 years old. And at the girl and the men had their homes two years ago my parents gave Natalia a Studio apartment (but didn't renew it), and Leonid had owned ½ two-bedroom apartments, which went from grandma's bequest, the second half belonged to his older brother. As an older brother lived in it with his wife and two children, Leonid lived with parents, then at Natalia.
Natalya's Parents were wealthy, lived in a large townhouse outside of town. The house was taken out a mortgage, not the whole completed, work was carried out on the interior decoration of the two floors, it required a lot of investment. However, at his daughter's wedding and Leonid, they publicly stated that to give ½ of their townhome – half-house with separate entrance for the newlyweds. And next summer Natalia and Leonid will be able to enter. Costs to complete construction and finish Natalya's parents took over. In response to this, parents Leonid said furniture and furnishings in the home – their care. As the house will be ready, they will buy it.
unfortunately, everything went not so smoothly. Six months later, his father's business Natalia began to fade. Money is not enough not only for the completion of interior finish, but also to pay the mortgage around the house. In a panic, Natalya's parents have offered his daughter to sell a Studio apartment, to Deposit money in the Bank on the principal amount of the debt, reduce interest payments and expedite the relocation of the newlyweds into the house. And in the meantime proposed to live together or with you on the only finished floor, or move to a one bedroom apartment, and ½ owned by Leonid. Leonid was strongly against this scheme, rightly pointing out that sale wife will not help to solve the problem with the house. He offered his wife's parents to sell the townhouse (in agreement with the Bank) to close my debts, buy a 2-3 bedroom apartment and live in peace. And they, the couple, will reside under the "better a bird in the hand is worth two in the Bush": even without the shares in the troubled townhouse, but in a private Studio apartment.
Natalya's Parents were annoyed by the tenacity of young and demanded to move out from one-bedroom apartments, which legally belonged to them. Dad Natalia allowed herself a shame to speak to the Leonid: "the Truth
saying, the Son – in-law is looking for what to take! Apparently, you didn't marry our daughter, and on her property and now you are sad, that did not work to tear off a piece fatter!". Leonid was genuinely outraged by this assessment of his motivation for marriage.
Leonid's Parents tried to intervene, but Natalya's parents told them: "I Want to help – give us money!". But money at them was not. In the end, Leonid and Natalia moved into a one bedroom apartment, a married brother, Leonid. Of course, there was the scandals, as two Housewives in the same apartment to live failed...
Natalya's Parents sold one-bedroom apartment, significantly reduced mortgage payments, but to bring to mind the house and could not. Due to financial problems, conflicts with the daughter, dad Natalia first got sick with diabetes, after a year suddenly died. Her mother sold the house for a pittance and barely bought a one-bedroom apartment.
Meanwhile, Leonid with his brother and their wives entered the stage of physical abuse. The situation was complicated by the fact that the brother's wife gave birth. Leonid suggested brother and parents to pay him his ½ of the apartment, so he could use the money as a down payment on a mortgage for a Studio apartment. Parents, in fact, accepted the position of brother Leonid and paid a relatively small amount of money.
Enraged, Leonid decided to move to another region, finding itself a suitable vacancy with service housing. Wife Natalia, herself crazy from all that is happening, it is fully supported. Moreover, she first found an optimal variant for employment in another region. The couple moved, bought an apartment, had a child. All this time (three years), Natalia and Leonid refused to communicate with the parents of the husband and wife, with surprising solidarity.
to my advice turned to the mother Leonida, who said that her husband began to hurt, and she's asking me to mediate a reconciliation with the children. We worked remotely, Leonid and Natalia was able to reconcile with your parents men, and Natalia is with her own mother. Unfortunately, Leonid flatly refused to communicate with their own brother and mother Natalia. However, the fellowship of his daughter with the mother he did not interfere.
I Really hope that at the present time was already a full reconciliation of the parties.
What we see in this situation? Violated six rules of wedding gifts.
1.You can't break promises – especially the public: all that was stated aloud, it is necessary to take orders! No excuses, even three times the objective under consideration is not accepted. Mind in relation to wedding gift is a big mistake to married parents.
2. A wedding gift should not be donated, "to throw dust in the eyes" the new and their relatives and impress them with your capabilities. It should reflect the real possibilities of the donors. You cannot give something that does not belong to the grantor the right of full ownership or already promised to someone else. Mortgage apartment or a car purchased under auto loan, property under dispute or restraining order is a risky gift, payment of which can not cope. If the parents of the newlyweds finally decided to give this object
have to make all the payments and transfer it to the property young literally at any price.
3. Apartments, villas, houses, offices, land, cars, garages, Parking places, share in business, shares (etc.) is presented at the wedding, should be legally re-arranged for the newlyweds in no time. Moreover, the application should be made, or equally to both young couples, not to create tension within the couple, or someone single pair, but by common decision of the young. A well-mannered "second half", often offers to record donated property to that of couples whose parents made a gift. Thus exhaust all possible conflicts.
4.Wedding presents (as in gifts) can not and should not be used as a tool to put pressure on the newlyweds as a way of training and education of bride and groom. They can not give and then take away or to declare such possibility in the case of "bad behaviour" of the husband or wife.
5.Presented to newlyweds as a wedding gift (or after the wedding) the property now belongs only to husband and wife, even if it's not yet decorated. It would not have developed relations in a newly formed pair, even including the threat of divorce, donors have neither the moral right nor legal, to get your gifts back. Even if there is a divorce, the husband and wife will determine how they will divide their joint family property.
6.The husband and wife should try to have a common position on the disposal of their donated property, including solidarity in face of pressure from parents. In this sense, the interests of a young family is more important than the interests of parents.
And again, the parents of the newlyweds must be critical of their own behavior! They cannot continue to see young husband and wife as their little children, dependent and subordinate. It is important to understand: since the birth of the family, even their own children can and should receive the family's own interests, which may conflict with the interests of parents. Because any proprietary actions should not create dangerous intersections and conflicts can not be the control method of the newlyweds. If parents something was wrong, they must apologize to their relatives and children. The newlyweds, you should patiently to forgive the mistakes of their parents and to prevent their.
However, we will continue to speak on this subject in other articles, and the final material is: "a gift for a wedding: 7 rules of congratulations without humiliation."
If you wish to reduce conflict in your family or kinship group, I advise you to read my books: "How to strengthen your marriage", "Zemletryasenie" and "If you changed or left your husband and you want him back in the family." I will also be glad to give professional advice therapist, on a personal or online consultation (via Skype, viber, Watsu or phone).
my work is described on the website zberovski.ru.
the Correct comments to this article are welcome)))
sincerely, family psychologist., Ph. D., Professor Andrew Zberovsky.