Like almost all personality traits, passive aggression from childhood. If a person grew up in a family where one parent (or both) was unpredictable and powerful, he finds it difficult to Express their needs, wishes and outrage. From this, there is an underlying sense of danger, a strong alarm.
If a child is punished for expressing anger or assertiveness, he learns to achieve their goals in a roundabout way, but disagreement and anger don't Express outwardly, and can be described in the first part of the article passive ways.
for Example, on one of the forums when discussing passive-aggressive behavior participant said: "Oh, in my family all is well! We have been dangerous to resent and something not just to demand, and make mom and dad could get angry, call me ungrateful, to punish... I Remember, even to get the tape recorder on New year's, I didn't ask the parents, and had built a complicated schema is: how hints, roundabout to ensure that they guessed...". In fact, such a child grows up in an environment where open resistance is impossible (due to economic, physical dependence on parents), and usually possessed masterly skills of "guerrilla warfare".
Passive-aggressive believe that the world is a dangerous place to open up and trust people – our own peril. And if other people find out what scares you, Angers or particularly desirable, they also gain control of you. Game with control – another person's passive aggression. To demand or ask something from the other means to be substituted, to show their weakness, dependence. This means that what you want people can play (and the world, the ideas of passive-aggressive, hostile, and deal with it fatal). Therefore open to want something or from something directly to give up means to give up control over their lives in the wrong hands. Therefore, the passive-aggressive desires are not directly expressed, and on any foreign please answer "Yes", then brood, get angry inside and do not, pleading forgetfulness and the fact that "not yet".
by the Way, I note that cultural norms also contribute to the formation of a passive-aggressive personality type: that girls are more likely to suppress the manifestations of stubbornness, energy and anger. So many women grow up convinced that if they are "correct, truly feminine" (gentle, always nice, neapolitani), they will "come back." And if you are not, then you're doing something wrong, for example much blatantly demand; a loving man he must himself guess and please the woman he loves; and her work gradually to bring it to the desired idea. Not out to put another person in the head with their desires, then – suffer in silence, as a partisan, and favorite let listen: "guess yourself", "well, do not understand", "if you loved me, you would know" and "whatever you want". Yes, it's covert struggle for power and control; if you openly say, "Make me so-and-so, I want this," you can hear and direct refusal ("Not now, I don't have time"), and even, get what you want, make sure that the happiness it brought. And what, then, who demanded – and he himself is to blame? No, it's better to hint, to obtain (or not obtain) the desired and, if satisfaction is not, then all the blame on the one who incorrectly read thoughts.
now Many courses on "How to become a feminine woman" often provoke and support the trainees in their development of a passive-aggressive personality. Courses with the model name "become coveted over the weekend" teach a woman, well, not take initiative – you need to be gentle, helpless, alluring, and everything you have in your life right happened by itself. After all, when a strong and active man sees feminine woman suffering, not to obtain something important, he'll understand and he'll do anything for you, you can get and give! But to do something: to require, to achieve, to abandon the unnecessary, to ask and to take care of themselves - it is impossible in any case. Well, it's unladylike! So either suffer it wasn't brought up, or to twist others arms: hints, gradually build up to its idea, "to create conditions". In General, passive aggression, as it is.
What do you do if you met the passive-aggressive type in its path?
- first, you should know that passive-aggressive person provokes the other, but the conflict doesn't start. Do not succumb to provocations – your "emotions" will not help clarify the relationship, but only give you a reputation as a brawler in the eyes of others. Allot the soul somewhere else and complain to friends and family, but don't make passive-aggressive such a gift, don't show "bad" and "scandalous". Do not trust the passive-aggressive secrets and information that can bring you harm if disclosed.
- What are their names what is happening and their feelings. Don't blame other, just say, "When is so-and-so, I usually upset." For example: "When you go to all the Department for lunch and forget to call me, I'm sad." No need to accuse ("you on purpose!"), no need to generalize ("you always!"). Tell us about your feelings as you began to feel sad and bad. He passive-aggressive as fire is afraid to be accused of others ' ills, and others should know that for you it is not "nothing happened", but something upsetting.
- don't expect a man you will understand and re-educated (even if you tell him this article). Most likely, this in itself is not going to happen. Passive-aggressive personality usually does not come to psychotherapy due to the fact that with them something not so: they usually complain about others (which, of course, to blame) or other psychological problems (e.g. depression), or they are forced to be close, which it is intolerable coexistence.