you do Not have to meet women dealing with that on children, you have the impression that we are talking about a young child 8-10 years, and then you learned that Chad really years-dtsat?
not mentioned whether you are living with your child that he has reminded to wash their plate, to clean the room himself already start to wash your things, to take up books and prepare for the competition? What caused the resistance of the children to any activities? Why the child does not want to grow up and behaving as dependent and irresponsible as is characteristic of little children? Why is this happening?
the crisis of the empty nest. The program "reproduction" of the parents is made. At the same time, to turn to his own life and to start the next stage. To rise to the next level. To live for yourself. All heard this phrase: «Life after 40 (50, 60) is just beginning”?
unfortunately for some it ends as those who did not successfully overcome the crisis "empty nest" in the period of its occurrence, and could not come to terms with the growing up of their children, for a number of reasons, and could not imagine life without their children.
And the reasons can be many:
What interests their parents serve the children?
Attachment. Symbiosis. When the child is 8-10 years to play out to peers, we think we're losing him. Causes hard feelings. Unconscious mother declares: “do Not be friends with him”; “This is a bad company”, “they Have a dysfunctional family”; “What good is it you can teach?” “Go do your homework”, etc.
love Me. Fear of losing love, especially when a complicated relationship with her parents or with her husband. Child shows autonomy, and mother perceived that he did not love her and pulls away, doesn't share secrets.
I want. So I am! Unsatisfied a need for attention and importance, in recognition. And adult child mom not be so necessary.
I'm not alone. Fear of being alone, inability to be alone, merging, dependency
I (child) am proud. "I Have something to be proud of!”. “I was like that's cool!” A not proud of it.
your fault, that… shifting responsibility onto the child for failed own destiny or dream: “Now, if you weren't…” I would be married; would career; had saved money, gone to live abroad, etc.)
Protection from the proximity of the partner (as well as the fear of losing a partner)
Motivation for movement and achievements . When the meaning of life and the motive is earning money, buying homes, paying for it
a Sense of power and control . “Controlling a child, I control the whole world, so it is safe.”
to Keep the youth. “How can I look 25, if my child turns 18?” “I do not want to become a grandmother”
Place their alarm. Anxious mother places her anxiety in the child. So it is easier to live it. The situation is under control.
Retention events. Child remained in the image of the mother in the age in which was before the injury in the form of divorce, serious illness in family, care, dismissal, etc. of adverse events. The child remains in that age, when everything was calm and well.
Not wanting to let go of the child, mother holds, “freeze” him at a certain age. The child, following the loyalty to his mother, represents the age at which it keeps him mentally and as if to say: “Dear mother, if you're so worried about me, I'll stay with you”.
In such cases, the child does not want to grow up, not seeking independent living, preferring to remain infantile. Do not seek to find his favorite thing in life, build a career, create my own family. He does not take responsibility for it all.
What are some other objective reason why parents send their children?
family tradition – Happy family as the picture. And if you are not able to build good relationships with their parents, the woman broadcasts of how to be a good mom.
- the Influence of society. In books, articles, lectures, broadcasts the principle of a Good mother. The woman, wanting to please the society, to get used to this role.
- the Fear of change. The image of the parent is located was already familiar and comfortable, as familiar. Mothers in the decree, there is a fear to go to work.
- Employment of parents. When parents make a career, and raising a child engaged grandmother or others, parents don't have time to keep track of when their child was for adults, they don't want to miss the stage of maturing and falling behind in the perception of his age.
the Main criteria, meaning that the parent releases the child:
- Talking about their child, the parent says “WE”
- Criteria as a parent will present her child in front of others
Test “frozen” if the age of your child:
the Record on tape 30 minute story about your child.
Start to listen to the recording in 15 minutes.
test – what age we are talking in this story, if you knew that this is the story of a stranger, and not yours.
Many parents vigorously deny the existence of symbiosis with the child, and sometimes it even causes aggression.
When you give the child responsibility for themselves?
- 0 to 14 years of age – responsibility for the child rests with the parents. Your task is to love him exactly as he is, to believe in him. example – the best method of education. You will instill in your child a love of activity, if they spend time in four walls or lying on the couch.
- From 14 to 18 years of age – the Responsibility is split 50: 50 between the child and parents. At this age the child forms the concept of what is good and what is bad. Builds up the concept lines of the future. To 14 years the child lives in the present moment. Appears an understanding of the finiteness of life.
- From 18 to 25 years old, the child is moderately independent. But when he is doing something, looking back on parents: ‘How will they perceive my behaviour? Are you pleased with me?" Sometimes the child has a desire to return to childhood. the question: “Mum, what do I do?” the Best option is not specific advice or instruction and the response: “You can decide for yourself. If you want my help, I will help you consider the options and you choose what you want”.
- After 25 years – full autonomy. “Everyone lives his life as best he can” or “Everyone spoils the life as is able”
Parents. Do not brake real growing up its children.
do Not take their resources for your own life.
do Not consider them their property, in the service of their interests and needs.
the baby Grow up to a certain age and release.
And we are not talking about broken relationships with your own child, and we are talking about the new qualities of these relations.
Your program "reproduction" made.
In the following sequels of publication: What happens in families when a child is “flies” out of the nest? What parents do to keep near her child? How to organize your life, after leaving the families of the children?
what about the children who can't make parents.
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If You are a parent and you are interested to deal with your reasons and benefits of children, at what age is “frozen” your child.
Or if you are a kid and you are concerned with the question how to get away from parents and not feel guilty, contact me for advice. Look for reasons and benefits, work opportunities by using different methods.
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