Where there are no boundaries, there is a place to fear. How are the boundaries of parental and children's fears.


Where there are no boundaries, there is a place to fear.
How are the boundaries of parental and children's fears.

year after Year in my practice, I clearly see a correlation between the presence of fears in children and style of parenting. Will tell how it works.

If the relationship of parent and child has a place excessive compliance, loyalty adult, if the boundaries of the unstable parent, and the child is easy to move them, in other words, when the child ignores requests, constraints, manipulated, not doing what you can in age, he feels stronger, more important and influential than their parents. Such an inverted hierarchy.

now imagine how the child feels when he perceives their parents as weak, malleable, unable to defend their opinions and decisions. It is banal scary. At the time when the parent gives in and concedes, the government is the child. But so much responsibility to the child on the shoulder. Externally, this kid looks very confident and assertive, a leader, and inside he's scared and stressed. He is not "a stone wall" and no "big and strong". If parents do not protect their borders and the rules of his house, so he will not be able to defend themselves (to learn not one). And then the world perceived to be threatening. Do not get a constructive interaction with their peers: they either trespassing, and interference in someone else's space, or slave position. A pliable parent it is impossible to rely on: to use his experience and vision to place the responsibility, while you still can. Often in this situation, the child is afraid to sleep alone. In fact, he cannot rely on himself, he also feels weak because it cannot deal with morally difficult situations, can't stand the pain (of frustration) and needs "special treatment".
lately I see tencency to this style of education. Parents are very attentive to the needs of their child, show a lot of respect for his individuality. It was not made to educate children in Soviet times, and the more informed. The choice in favor of this approach may determine the unmet need of today's parents in a sensitive attitude on the part of their own moms and dads. And then you still do not want to repeat the mistakes with their children, not hurt by the neglect of their own child.

it Seems like if I'm adamant and strict with your child, he will feel the same pain, anger or dislike towards me that I felt as a kid. Feel misunderstood and unheard. And it will cause him injury and ruin our relationship.

And here is the imbalance: the needs of the child are sent in priority over the needs of the parent. In fact, it is a complete repetition of the pictures from his childhood: at that time, being a small man was silent and devalued their feelings and desires, now. Only then external devalues the figure were the parents and now their own child.

Inverted hierarchy in the family may, for various reasons. For example, if the parent is difficult to sustain a conflict situation and he was trying to avoid, including a child. Here we have the overall complexity of the adult and child: as a kid does not stand frustration (dissatisfaction due to restrictions, for example), and the parent likewise cannot withstand (cracks under the pressure of the child's whining or tantrums). So, if you work, then both parties and in the same direction.

the Situation can change and it is important.

When I plan further work with the family, I am guided by the request of the parent and his feelings. If the parent says that weary that the child does not listen, or that he (the adult) feels fatigue or irritation from having to substantiate their requests, to explain, to find the approach is half the battle. Then close the "bottom" below which the parent is not ready to come down. This is the personal boundary which should be strengthened. For the benefit of all.

I'm not a big supporter of the common recommendations and advice. I think they will still be narrow, because I can not fully take into account the individuality of the client. As a psychotherapist, I see great value in helping the client (in this case, adults) to feel in himself the fulcrum, the Foundation and direction for change, as well as their measure. However, here I allow myself to Express some of the arguments:

1. Just on a rational level, remember that if you close a child - resistant, persistent, important issues for you steadfast and loving child with you safely and securely. Use "I-messages" and active listening, as described by Y. B. Gippenreiter, will help not to lose the feeling of love and affection.

2. You are a bad parent if your child is unhappy, upset or crying in the moment when you give him something not allowed or insist on the request.

3. You don't need to always find a special approach to your child. No one in society will not do this. It's his job to adapt to you, and then to the world. In this sense, the child will be useful for your honest feedback (in the form of "I-messages") about how you feel in connection with this or any other act/behavior.

4. Parental love is not when you give all you want. For successful socialization, development, education, child required the ability to withstand a certain amount of displeasure (to adopt rules or conduct in a group, be able to bear the loss, failure, mistake, do not give up, then try again). Gradually the child will develop a story about yourself as a person who can be courageous, strong (not afraid of difficulty or failure), persistent and stubborn (took and collected all the toys, despite the fact that I didn't want), an independent, reaching, etc. So a strong self-esteem, because she develops from real achievements, not from the enthusiastic attitudes of mom and dad. For these qualities, the knowledge of itself, this experience the child can rely, coming into the world. And here is a place not to fear, and interest.

Ekaterina Baranova
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