Who is the chief me or the baby?


Quite often parents come to psychologists with the same problem: we can't control our child, he does not listen even 10 times, constantly interrupting adults in conversation, requires immediate execution of all desires. In short, a tyrant. What to do? Parents are talking, and sweet deprived, and the computer was taken. And he is not appeased. And when such parents ask leading questions, it turns out that a clear "no" not at home, the mother can talk my way in, finding the right arguments, and "I want" of the child often outweighs the mother's-father's abilities and needs, for example, in free from baby time.

After all, the root of the problem in the answer to the question of who is the main house?

It's not about dominance and authoritarianism. Everyone knows that a child's personality can develop within a structure and system rules. – boundaries. On the one hand, the boundaries protect the child, actively discovering the world from potential dangers, for example, from an open window and a hot plate, on the other hand, boundaries and hierarchy in the family: you're small, I'm a big misleading normal a sense of security. Parents can protect me, to help me, to comfort, to protect from stupid. And as they grow older and gaining internal autonomy of the child of the border apart and place in the hierarchy of the family is changing. It is one thing.

the Second point is that the child is unable to form its own borders – physical, psychological, social, if they are blurred from significant adults. What is the mechanism? We are aware of the boundaries of our personality, when faced with other people, and the criterion of the norm here is the individual subjective sense of comfort and security. It is each of us. So that child is facing us, explores our reactions.

If someone takes my stuff and me it can be frustrating, even if that child even if the favorite, but without permission. And when he hears from me: "Sorry, it's my thing. I don't want you to touch her". "Why?" "Because it's mine and only I can solve." And our child will know his things belong only to him, and he can refuse if he wants to. This is important. And so with everything. Our adult healthy care of yourself, your surroundings, the possibilities teaches children that they are able to show such care towards themselves.

Therefore, often emotional, disinhibited, demanding children, there are parents who find it difficult to defend their borders and keep the structure. Translating their behavior into the language of words, we can say: "Mom, dad, I can't stop by yourself if you do. So I'm going to misbehave as long as you do not understand". Because the child is uncomfortable in the state of permissiveness, it's hard to understand themselves – their feelings, desires, fears.

Chaos is the unconscious of the flight of the child from the anxiety of insecurity and uncertainty framework of life that he feels. Not always, but often enough.

the First step is to figure out what exactly is bothering you and what you want to change. Then determine the three "no's" and "be" that you are willing to present to the child. And to be consistent. This will help to start to create a framework. Your "no" is the objective, dictated by the logic and structure of family limitation. For example, going to bed at 21.00 for a boy-the first grader, "not" interfere when mom and dad work, etc.

the Second step is to understand what your boundaries are violated the child, and that you want to change. Because only by feeling your own integrity, without losing energy, can you objectively look at the situation and make the right moves.

Therefore the main in the house is the reference point, the defender and the stop button when oversteer. And it's just one of us, and not Vice versa.

Maria shchurova
Статья выложена в ознакомительных целях. Все права на текст принадлежат ресурсу и/или автору (B17 B17)

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