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Now the Internet and other media are full of articles on how to love a child, how important it is for his future, how to be a good (if not perfect) parents. My previous article is no exception. But it got me thinking that sometimes there are certain internal reasons which do not allow the mother to love her child as the dictates of modern society. Today we will look at the major ones and try to figure out how to live.

the Situation first.

Mother in her early childhood she did not get the same unconditional, accepting and forgiving love from their parents. This especially becomes clear, if we remember that modern moms were raised at the turn of 80-90s of the last century, when there was a Union and tried to build communism, and so the main task of the Soviet man to go to work and to benefit the other. Accordingly, children brought up in crèches and groups. And on average, a child broke away from mother months 8-10. After the collapse of the Union was a difficult 90-e years when each family survived as best they could. Again, it was, to put it mildly, not love for the children. A child raised in the deficiency of maternal love, he himself becomes a parent. It is quite difficult to give love to your child more and in a different number than he got in childhood.

Although today, fortunately, the state created a more benign environment for the younger generation (maternity leave to three years, the availability of psychological information about the relationship of parents and children and their consequences).

the second Situation.

Mom divorces dad, relationship with him remains a conflict, and the child looks and character very similar to her ex-husband. Often there is an emotional rejection of the child, which prevents maternal love to be good enough. Neosoznanno mom identifies son/daughter with certain negative aspects in their lives and establishes a greater distance with the child, which, of course, blocks the movement of her love for the child.

third Situation.

the Marital relationship between the parents for some reason be disturbed: no spouse death, divorce, or relationship with him do not satisfy the spouse (mismatch of characters, emotional coldness, etc.). And often the parent tries to fill its emptiness (resulting in relationships with a spouse) at the expense of the child. And the child becomes emotional husband for mom. This occurs most often in families where a son. Accordingly, there is a bias in maternal love in the direction of displacement of love to the spouse. It usually happens on the unconscious level. This attitude is manifested indirectly, in particular, in the statements that she doesn't need anybody, except the son, that the son is the meaning of her life. Typical is the juxtaposition of idealized her relationship with son, fix her relationship with her husband. Sometimes these mothers are aware of their jealousy toward the son, although they often present it in the form of numerous nagging to them.

the Situation is the fourth.

Mom doesn't accept themselves, their traits, their actions, their lives. And usually, the child is showing what the parent denies himself. It can be: aggressiveness, tendency to laziness, attraction to alcohol, certain tendencies, negativism, protest reaction, intemperance, etc. of Course, she can't fully love your child, if he sees it as bad. She begins to struggle with the nature of the child, trying to alter these features are gone. This helps the parent to believe that he himself is certainly not a "bad character".

the Situation fifth.

Mom was expecting a girl the whole pregnancy and was born a boy. Father child relationship did not exist. And men the General attitude is negative, based on stereotypical judgments: men basically, a rough, unkempt; they are easy animals motives, aggressive and overly sexual, prone to alcoholism, etc. As it will be able to give my son enough love for a prosperous life? The big question.

the Situation six.

a Young mother is still in a symbiotic relationship with his mother. It is a lot of time on their communication with subordinates his life to the demands and whims of the elderly parent. In our society honor and respect for elders is highly valued. But in case if this is the unconscious desire of young women to gain/provide/be worthy of love her mother, then her real child of love clearly does not, because it is directed in the opposite direction.

we now Turn to the question of "What to do?"

you Can read the proposed options, to find their own, to justify to themselves their behavior and live quietly on.

you Can try to change your life, your script, while staying their internal situation and feelings from my childhood.

To do this:

- to realize that "features" of your inner world may have some (not always positive) impact on your life,

- understand what your children deserve more than today, you can give them,

- recognize that it is possible to live differently,

- recognize, there is some problem/difficulty in life,

- to find your way to solve it: self-development, to perform spiritual practices, meditate, see a therapist/psychoanalyst/psychotherapist

- to choose what suits you, and start to move forward.

of Course each of us have our reasons for how we live today, any family, any relationship. But the strength of each adult to try new options, problem solving, and their behavior. A study of those inner causes will help to free the energy of love, which is now blocked, and send it to improve the quality of your life and the lives of your children.


With love, Olga Fomina

Olga Fomina
2018-02-12
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