Why Katia and Sergei did not trust each other?

Katia and Sergei married. Signature in the certificate marriage are. But that's heart they still — pair.

When advice we are talking about trust, I asked the couple will trust each other. That's what happened conversation:

Psychologist: Sergei, what are you can would trust Kate?

Sergey: Yes all!

P: All — what does that mean? What spheres of life?

With: raising children, farming. I know she will well raise children. Only sometimes when she “is”, need to do some amendments. Then everything is fine.

P: So what is it confidence, if you all the time stands out as Kate would not started “drive”?

S: Then what is trust anyway?

(I think both husband and wife)

C: Not know. It is necessary to think. Do not to control what happens? Not know.

P: do you Remember the training for team building? When it is necessary to fall in the arms of a partner?...

Katia: We were this. I'm not lovely fall.

N: are now be?

K: No. I'm not could trust him.

P: Not a or want?

K: don't want.

P: Sergey does not trust you and always tries gradually to control. You behave likewise. Then about what family is all about? For each friend though all the time satisfied check, looking for the catch.

K: Well and I can trust, if he day?

With: Kate, what do you mean — brings? Why do you decided that there should be exactly as you want?

a Vicious circle. «I not can trust, because you're not have shown me that you can trust» — ‘I not can prove because you're not allow”.

exactly the same strategy of behavior. What is called “found a cut stone”. And what to do now?

joining the relationship — always a step into the unknown. If you expect “bend” of a person under itself, then you can immediately put an end to respects.

by the Way, in the Chapter about personal boundaries we considered the opposite option. When one partner relies entirely on other dissolved it. Of course, these relationships assume unconditional trust. Trust the partner more than himself.

Why there is no trust in a pair?1) there were two strong solid personality. The reverse side of this force — rigidity. The lack of flexibility. They're like, and ready to cave in particular, constantly monitor — not going there is now partner to bring? 
This is the first cause of the conflict — unwillingness to change, the desire to customise partner.

2) Not afraid to lose my partner. Much better to lose it than yourself. What is it? Not enough love in a relationship? Not enough samootverzhennost? Adult the survivors of the period of teenage naivety, you know that “close your eyes and trust” is sometimes harmful to health. So love — but we have to be careful.

3) Scared to change their rules. Thanks to them managed to build a life for what it is now. If something to change in itself, will collapse the whole world, the whole built system. Perhaps it is the opposite of confidence in yourself. «I know I — fellow. You too bad. But you — I in currently I sure.»

4) Perhaps, my heroes were raised. “Not trust no one, only yourself. Plus or minus a mother.” This destructive setting is given to children even in very wealthy families. Just — “remember, son, to get through in life, you have to do everything myself” — and ready! To change this belief is very difficult and scary. Here it is just a complete destruction of the entire global structure.

5) a Matter of trust partner — in the first place a question of trust itself. You can trust yourself? Can I trust you? You not disappoint? Just knowing that you for yourself a reliable person you can trust others. After all, if you waiting to catch myself that much to talk about others.

6) Scary that can be painful. The roots of this fear go past relationships. "Scalded milk water blow”. This is not install of childhood is his own sad experience. Why risk it now? It is better to be longer to burn.

7) the Reason of mistrust can be psychological trauma. Serious shocks experienced in the child, convince him that the world is exactly the threat. The world consists of people, things, and events — and each item holds dangerous.

Without trust, no family. Maybe there is a door or mutually beneficial cooperation. But not a family.

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