Many people come to psychologists with the request to change themselves, they say, they are bad here and there, so we need to fix it. They are willing to work on yourself, work diligently, fight with all your bad traits and then in the future they will become nice and perfect.
But the problem is that the struggle with themselves and their bad sides is doomed to failure.
If you simply eradicate your negative side, you'll be wasting your time.
Just because the negative side is the same side as good. It's the same part of the us, as well as others. And they also want to live.
Any of our "bad" part was given to us for something. And before you get rid of it, it is important to understand why exactly.
In Gestalt therapy there is the concept of "creative adaptation". Is the ability best way to adapt to the environment. Speaking your own words, what is the ability to select the best behavior in each specific situation.
Ability to creatively adapt is the most important for a successful life, it allows us to be flexible, adapt to circumstances, to maneuver and to feel good in uncertainty. However, not all adults can boast of this quality.
we All come from childhood. And creatively to adapt, we started from birth. Our traits and our character was formed there.
When we are small, we are very inventive. And we are always looking for the best way to meet their needs. In childhood many of us needs to seem very large and important. Vital. And then we come up with ways like these needs to satisfy in order to survive.
for Example, a child wants candy. But in response to his request he will not let it. For a child candy is everything, and he starts looking for a way by which he can get it.
And he began to experiment.
He can cry. It can defiantly be offended. He might get sick. He can go into a depressive sadness. He can blackmail. And whatnot can come up with, just to get his desired candy.
And depending on which way the parents reacted and still gave him the required, the method becomes for him a priority in future behavior. The more often one and the same method gave the desired result, the more the head is formed a pattern of behavior. And the model behavior becomes our character.
When we cease to react differently to situations, change their behavior, and try to get what you want in the same way, it is possible to talk about the loss of the creative adjustment. This means that in adulthood, people all their complexity will always resolve the same way, who once helped him in his childhood.
If the child always got candy in tears, it grows into a adult, who knows that only if the hysteria you can get what you want.
If triggered resentment, adult always be pretend offended (often very deliberately) in order to obtain necessary.
If your child has achieved through sickness, it can grow into a chronic psychosomatic adult, which is just that, just enough health. This may be the mom whose heart aches when a child goes for a walk. Children who go to bed with a temperature, if only the parents had not divorced.
If acted sad, then grow depressed adults who walk with a tragic expression. They do it in the hope that their partner will ask what they should do.
But what's the problem?
But that kind of behavior that worked with the parents, may not work with spouses, colleagues, friends. At some point you can realize that the dream you never receive, and thus also lose people close to you. They tell you that it is difficult to live with such hysterical/touchy/technopolymer/depressive. You begin to understand that you have some "bad" qualities that prevent you from living. And you decide to go to therapy to get rid of them once and for all.
tell the truth, come to therapy only when the former collapses the view of the world and former model is no longer valid. If in adulthood you would be able to meet their needs always resenting, you would never come, that with you something is wrong. After all, it would be natural, and most importantly acting.
Before you begin to deal with their negative traits, it is important to understand that this is nothing more than the ways in which we receive something desirable in the past.
And it is equally important to understand that what helped you in childhood, do not necessarily use right now. There are many more successful ways to meet their needs. For example, instead of unconsciously offended, you can just ask.
But for this we must begin to study yourself and see how you react now, and how it can be changed to a more optimal situation and the appropriate behavior.
A first step towards new behavior is understanding what this vital need, you satisfy in childhood, this "negative" trait.
for Example, if you consider yourself greedy, it is likely that in childhood you didn't have funds and you or your family had to save hard to survive. So, then the savings was justifiable and vital. But now you can look and see that all in abundance and start trying to spend a little more money.
If you consider yourself evil, then maybe, in childhood, your anger has saved you from the attacks of others, and now she continues to play the role of your protector. Perhaps, for this reason you continue to trust people, and just in case the anger saves me from feeling nervous. But you can try to become a little more open.
If you are easily offended, then maybe you just don't have the courage to say what you actually need. But again, in the past saved you from frustration and dissatisfaction.
of Course, the options why there are certain features a lot more. And, of course, with them it is necessary to understand and better not one, and yet with a psychologist. But just don't go at it as a struggle and war with them is bad. This is such as important part of you as any other.
for myself, I realized that all of my traits, both good and bad, are my best survival. That is, each is trying to me somehow or to defend, or to keep from getting new injuries, or to help to achieve this. Therefore, before ruthlessly fight with him, I'm trying to find the reason why I react one way or another what it looks like, and how they save me. And then I thank them and try to find a more optimal behavior.
to deal With them is not worth it. Still not going to win.
it Is necessary to understand, to accept, to thank yourself for your service and care for yourself, and decide what you can live differently.